Issue #13 April 2020

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ‘Happy Birthday.’ – Steven Wright

April 2020 Issue
Get your PDF copy here

The Book Smuggler’s Den magazine has been up and running for a year now!

We’ve had so much fun reading writers’ short stories, essays, and poems submitted from around the world. The creative minds of writers always blows me away. I recently read Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear by Elizabeth Gilbert and she had a lot of interesting things to say regarding the writing process. She advocates for embracing your curiosity and letting go of all the “what ifs” artists have about sharing their gifts. Over and over she kept saying how lucky she got with the success of Eat, Pray, Love. I’d have to disagree. I think what really happened is she poured her heart out on pages that people related to. The story was interesting, traveling around the world to “find” yourself. She should give herself more credit! Her writing style, use of grammar, and descriptions all made for an enjoyable read.

You should do the same too! When your piece gets published, don’t think it was because you got lucky. It was because someone saw the piece as a whole and not one aspect of it. The reader enjoyed it because you are creative, talented, and a writer that doesn’t quit. Always remember that when one of your pieces is denied to not give up on it. Find a writing partner to critique it, and rework if it need be. Try and try again. It could be that the place you submitted it to was the wrong publication for your writing.

We are so grateful for everyone who contributes each month and hope that you all will continue to do so.

Happy writing,
Dani & The Book Smuggler’s Den Community

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Fiction

The Belief Ritual, Edward Ahern
Stars and Sky, Ian Campbell
The One Who Leaves, Melissa Mark
Dawn Into Dusttown, McKinnon
Ọgbanje, Kasimma Okani
Star of the East, Edward Sheehy
King of the Sky, Jack Wildern
Smokes, Madeline Sexten-Yeatts

Poetry

Two Poems by Anastasia Jill
The Colour of January, Carol Stewart
Amour, Dr. Priya Dolma Tamang

Book Reviews

Maid by Stephanie Land, Reviewed by Dani Watkins

Writing Prompts

Issue #14 May 2020

Writing is like a ‘lust,’ or like ‘scratching when you itch.’ Writing comes as a result of a very strong impulse, and when it does come, I, for one, must get it out. – C. S. Lewis

May 2020 issue
Click to download your copy

 
Hello readers and writers!

What a crazy couple of months it has been? Unfortunately, these crazy times had an effect on our publication and we missed the deadline for our April (coming soon, we promise!). The show must go on they say and we made an executive decision to move forward and publish the May edition of the Book Smuggler’s Den.

I’m not a big fan of watching the news and I have heard plenty of people tell me why that is a bad idea. “You need to be informed,” they’ll say to me. But I counter with, “Why?” End. Of. Story. This is why I love turning to reading and writing! As a writer myself, I’ve been paying attention to prompts posted on social media. I feel that in times like these, writing about something totally unrelated is healthy! This is why we loved the pieces submitted to us this month! Pieces far removed from what the news reports, and I am so grateful we received so many enjoyable short stories and book recommendations.

The Book Smuggler’s Den does everything it can to promote authors, but we are a small publication. We are so grateful for all of those who submitted this month and can’t thank you enough for your interest in the magazine.

Without further ado (and drama) let’s get to some reading! 

Best,

Dani & The Book Smuggler’s Den Community

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Fiction

Stars and Sky, Ian Campbell

Dawn Into Dusttown, McKinnon

The One Who Leaves, Melissa Mark

Ọgbanje, Kasimma Okani

Star of the East, Edward Sheehy

Book Reviews

Adrift on the Nile by Naguib Mahfouz, Reviewed by Nadia Benjelloun

Writing prompts

ỌGBANJE

by Kasmma kan

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You did not expect the turn of events after the copycat deaths of your children. Your first child went to bed a healthy child nine days after her birth. By morning, she was as stiff and strong as frozen meat. Your second child copied her. But after you buried your third child, your father sent for you. Your wife was still snoring like a locomotive that morning when you left with the teenager who brought your father’s message. You got there and found your parents seated on white plastic chairs, arms folded, lips turned downwards, eyes distanced. You sensed that there was Fire on the mountain. On the ground beside your father’s outstretched legs was a gourd of palm wine. The mouth of the gourd was stuffed with omu nkwu leaves. Your father’s walking stick was between his legs. His raffia palm hand fan lay on his lap. Three tumblers and a green thick-glass plate with two kola nuts in it lay on the stool before your mother. You sighed in relief.

“Ah ah, this one your faces are like rain-battered faeces. Ọgịnị?”

“Sit down, my son,” your father said.

You dusted the spare chair and sat. “So why are you two looking moody?”

Your father proceeded with the kola nut ritual. He was in no hurry to thank his gods and ancestors for a new day and everything. You could not take your eyes off your chain wristwatch. You declined the kola nut and palm wine.

“Agụnna, kedụ?” your father said.

“I am fine, Nnam,” you responded.

“You will have to stop looking at that clock of yours. A man whose house is on fire does not pursue rats.”

You rubbed your beardless jaw. “Nnam, you know that I am the only doctor in the hospital. I have to be there on time.”

Your father bit his kola nut. “I have called you this morning for two reasons. First,” he raised his forefinger, “you must get interested in this family’s arọbịnagụ and learn the yearly ritual in its honour. I am an old man with limited time in this space. Our arọbịnagụ have faithfully provided us with riches from which you have benefited. Do not let the spirits scrape your mouth on the ground before you start sacrificing to them.”

“Nnam, at the risk of repeating myself, I am a Christian and cannot participate in anything fetish.”

Your father turned to your mother.

“It is our tradition,” she said, “what is fetish about offering the oracle a white fowl and three kola nuts yearly? It does not stop you from going to church.”

You shook your head and looked at your watch. You had been through that argument several times and had no patience that morning for it. The loud sound of your father’s gulps made you turn in his direction. For a brief moment, you felt pity. Your father used to be a huge agile man. Now he was all skin and bone. Your mother who was once a feared teacher was not spared from the fearless aging process.

“Secondly, Agụ,” he raised two fingers, “it is about your childlessness. This issue chases sleep away from my eyes. How can I join my ancestors knowing that my only child is childless? Agụ, agw n n’akrka.”

“There is no snake anywhere, Nnam. We have had all these discussions before. My wife and I are just going through…”

“Through what?” your mother snapped. “We have had this discussion before,” she mimicked you. “Have you not seen that whatever is eating your children is above western medicine?”

You sighed. At a distance, a cock crowed and the sun rose at a snail’s pace. Your father’s unkempt black toes became slightly visible.

“It is not above western medicine, Nnem. My first son died of pneumonia. My first daughter died of diarrhea. My second daughter…”

“Died of gonorrhea or is it syphilis…”

“Nnem, my children did not die of gonorrhea and…”

“I guess that their gonorrhea and syphilis killed them on their ninth nights on earth.”

You snorted in disgust, falling back on your seat and breathing heavily. Your mother clanked her tongue to deride you. You ignored her. It had become bright. The bleating of hungry goats and sheep and sounds of sweeping replaced the howling of dogs. Human voices gradually rose to full-blown sounds of praying, singing and even quarreling. You heard a feminine voice scream at a child to go get ready for school. You looked at your watch and gasped.

“Nnam…”

“I have told you to stop looking at that clock.”

You sighed in resignation. “Nnam, don’t worry. I will have a child. My wife will give birth to the one that will stay. We are taking adequate medical precautions now.”

Your father smiled lopsidedly. Old age did not hide his dimples.

“It is beyond the white man medicine, nwam,” he shook his crossed legs. “A man pressed with watery feces does not walk. I have taken the pains to go and consult a diviner. He confirmed my fears,” he cleared his throat and spat out the thick yellow sputum. “Agụ, you are having ọgbanje children.”

You jumped up. “Dear Jesus! God forbid!”

You circled your hand around your head and snapped your fingers. Your mother shifted her legs as if to dodge the ill you snapped away.

You sat again. “Nnam, please, I am a Christian. I do not believe in all these things. What business have I got with ọgbanje children, for goodness sake?”

“Those wicked and mysterious spirits choose whomever they want.”

“But I have had a boy and two girls…”

“…who all died under the same circumstances, and, I am certain, at the same hour. You do not even need a diviner to tell you that you are dealing with ọgbanje spirits here.”

Your mother hissed. “When we warned you not to marry that thing, you refused. It must have come from her.”

Two deep lines appeared on her forehead. But you were not prepared to go down that road with her. No, not today!

“My son, a man who removes a woman’s clothes does not just stand and stare. You must join me to go and see the abiankata. He can put an end to this.”

“Me!” you struck your chest, “in a shrine? Are you joking?”

Your mother drew her ears. “Use your tongue to count your teeth, gị bụ nwa!”

“Nnam,” you ignored your mother, “please I have to go. Thank you for your concern, but I cannot do as you have asked. This is the year 1994, not 1915. I am an England trained medical doctor, and I am telling you that my children’s problems are purely medical. Our next child will stay. Watch and see.”

*

You knew everybody in the village watched and listened as soon as your wife’s pregnancy became news. You took every medical precaution. Your wife, Amalachi, did not miss a day of her routine pregnancy drugs. She ate fruits and fed well. You insisted on that. Even your pastor did not bat an eye when you told him you were going to his rival church to seek a miracle. The rival pastor prayed over a white handkerchief and gave it to you. His instructions were clear. At midnight, spread the handkerchief on Amalachi’s stomach and read Psalms 91 and 23. The handkerchief would become the spiritual ultrasound machine. Place your lips very close to Amalachi’s belly and speak life to the child. After this, drop the handkerchief in a white basin—he emphasized on the white colour—and pour hot water on it. Then hold hands with your wife and pray until the water is warm enough to drink. Drink it. You did this until the baby was born.

You also visited a priest who gave you a rosary after making the sign of the cross above it. He asked you to recite it every day, and by 3 a.m., you should say the chaplet of the divine mercy. You had to buy Catholic books to teach you how to say all these prayers. You even went the extra mile to place the rosary on Amalachi’s stomach while she slept.

You were always falling asleep in the office. Your body moved from chubby to gaunt. Though your wife gained weight, the strain was not lost in her eyes.

The baby arrived. Her skin was as smooth as ice cream. She was so fat that she tore Amalachi’s vagina to make more room for herself to pass. Her eyes were the brightest brown eyes you’ve ever seen. She had your full nose and heart-shaped lips. She looked nothing like your wife.

You were as sure as yam is yam that this child will stay. She sucked breasts more than her predecessors. She laughed often, gave no troubles, and grew fatter each day. These were good signs but you did not let your guard down. You prayed and recited your rosary every morning and night.

While Amalachi slept on the ninth night of the baby’s birth, you kept watch. You had to eat kola nut, something you find very bitter, just to stay awake. A part of you was afraid that your father was right. The second part of you continued to wallow in denial. You never took your eyes off that baby for even one second. You prayed your chaplet of divine mercy with your eyes on your daughter. Not too long after that prayer, everywhere became cold. You refused to rush to your room and get a cover. Even when an eddy of cold air swirled through the windows making the curtains wave, woooh-woooh sang the wind, you did not blink. The only time you felt slightly scared was when you sensed a chill on your skin that made all your body hair stand up. The truth is, there was a presence in that room. The spirit stood close to you, looking at you as if trying to divert your attention from the baby. It had a neck as long as a giraffe. Its body, covered with white hair, was as muscular as a chimpanzee. Its legs were as pink and as soft as a tongue, and its hands weaved together as a batwing. Then, it started shrinking, turning to a human form. His spider-face turned to that of a very handsome “person” with bright red eyes and black pupils. Its hair looked like long strands of algae. It had strong muscles and torso as a man but it had no private part. It walked away from you and stood close to the bed. It carried your daughter’s spirit, and rocked it tenderly, back and forth. Then it jumped out of the window with the baby and turned into a bat. When you could no longer hear the baby’s soft snores, you placed your index finger under her nose: no breath. You raised her hand but it surrendered to the force of gravity. You pulled down her lower eyelid. Her fixated brown pupils stared right back. You stumbled back to your chair. Your head spun like a sewing machine’s wheel. When you got a hold of yourself, you looked at the time, 4:00 a.m., about the time your other baby died. Everywhere became still. The curtains stopped waving, the wind stopped howling, and the chill vanished. You stared at your baby’s corpse, squeezing the handle of the chair as if to crush it. Taking it in your stride as a man should, one deep breath at a time, you returned to your room. You lay on your bed and put your pillow on your head but sleep eluded you. Even when your wife started screaming at dawn, you stayed the same.

*

Five months later, you came back from work one night to find your wife crying in the sitting room. You went to the kitchen to look for food, but you met the pots so sparkling, they almost blinded your eyes. You settled for bread and groundnuts.

“Nonye, what is it?” you asked your wife, sitting across from her.

You are the only one who refused to call her by her nickname, Amalachi. A name she got due to her love for the food, amala.

“Your mother came here today.”

You sighed. You knew what next.

“It was worse than her former visits. She called me Mamiwater. She said I came to use you to produce children for my spirit husband. She cursed me. She said I will die during my next childbirth.”

“What!” you accidentally knocked down the plate of groundnuts. They were happy to roll far-far away from you. “My mother said that to you?”

Amalachi blew her nose. “Nobody sells to me in the market any longer. Nobody speaks to me. They squeeze their faces and hide their children’s faces when I pass by. They call me names, spit on me, and even remind me that I am ugly.”

You went to her and hugged her. She buried her face in your chest and bawled. Tears dropped from your eyes.

“You are not ugly. Don’t mind them.”

But you know you were lying. She’s ugly. Let’s not go into her orange complexion. Not chocolate, not fair, not bleached, orange! Her ugliness is as bitter as a mixture of chloroquine and bitter leaf juice. Imagine someone drinking this mixture? What would the person do to their face? Squeeze the hell out of it, is that not so? And even spit? Good. Now, do you understand why sometimes when she walked past, people spat?

“I cannot continue like this, Agụ.”

“Don’t worry. The next baby will stay.”

She raised her head from her chest, shaking her head. “Go and see abiankata.”

“What!” you pushed her away. “Have you joined them? Have you forgotten that I am an assistant pastor?”

“There are many ways of serving God,” she cleaned her face with the flat of her hands. “Christianity is not the only religion. Look at me,” she jumped up. “I am a skeleton. Look at my breasts,” she raised her shirt and dangled both breasts to your face. Each breast looked like half a slice of bread and dangled like a hanged man. “They are flat but no child to show for it. I almost died during the last labour. You know how much blood I lost…”

“Don’t be melodramatic. I will never turn my back on God.” You dismissed her with the wave of the hand.

Deep lines appeared on her forehead. Her orangeness shone. “Melodrama, isn’t it? Melo… Okay. You have three options. If you will not consult abiankata, you either take me back to my parents or I will kill myself.” She stormed out.

You took it as a flippant statement. But when a bottle of rat poison surfaced in your rat-free house, two weeks later, you affirmed to her that you will consult the abiankata.

Before dawn, the next day, you went to see your father and narrated your ordeal.

Your father smiled. “I have been trying to tell you this long ago, Agụ. A child dances to the sweet melody of Surugede without knowing that Surugede is the dance of the spirits. I named you Tiger, not Rat. You are ready to be my son.”

That same morning, your father and you strolled to the house of Dikeọgụ, the abiankata. Your father must have fanned himself a thousand times before you two arrived in the modest bungalow of the diviner. The sandy compound was decorated with marks from a traditional broom. A teenage girl carrying a pail of water on her head curtsied as she greeted you two.

“Thank you, my daughter,” your father responded, smiling from molar to molar. “Nwa aga alụ alụ! Please tell your father that I am here with my son.”

You felt embarrassed for the little girl when your father called her “marriageable.”

Your father pulled you closer. “That is the girl you will take for a second wife if this option does not work.”

“God forbid, Nnam,” you whispered back. “I am not a pedophile.”

Your father hissed.

“Nweze!” a very deep voice rang out from inside the house. “Welcome. The door is open.”

Your father raised his raffia hand fan. “Dikeọgụ! Ekenem g.”

You gave your father a hand as he climbed the steep steps. You parted the old curtain for him and waited for him to enter first.

The deep voice rang again. “Welcome. There is seat o!”

You looked around you. There was a wooden altar lighted by a tiny bulb. It shocked and well as relaxed you to see the crucifix between the portraits of Jesus and Mary. A huge rosary hung on a nail at the left of the altar.

You nudged your father, your mouth almost entering his ears. “Had you told me that this man is a prophet, I should have come with you the last time.”

Your father chuckled and whispered back. “He is Christian in front and a native diviner behind.”

You did not believe him. You looked at the brown sofas and wooden center table. The floor was covered in a sparkling blue carpet. Nothing suggested that this man was a local diviner. Three curtains at different parts of the house suggested that there were three rooms. Along came a woman with a big stomach, whom you assume was his wife, carrying a tray. She was all smiles as she asked after your mother and your wife. She dropped her tray bearing a saucer of garden eggs and groundnut and two cans of soft drinks and left. A tall man, who should not be more than forty-four, dressed in a neat police uniform emerged from one of the curtains. He wore eyeglasses and maintained a neat moustache. Even when you heard his deep voice, you still did not affirm to yourself that he was Dikeọgụ. He shook your hand firmly as your father introduced you to each other.

“Ah, ah, you have not touched your kola?” Dikeọgụ said.

“Kola is in the hand of the king,” your father said.

The man laughed. “Go ahead. It belongs to you.”

You were still quiet. Both of them discussed as if you were absent. You heard him tell your father that he had had kola already and… your mind faced its business. You did not understand what was happening. Are you yet to go to the diviner’s place or what? You heard them laughing about something you must have missed.

“Why is your daughter at home?”

“That one,” Dikeọgụ waved his hand, “she got suspended for fighting in school.”

Ewoo.”

“And let me warn you, my daughter will go to the university and become a doctor like your son. She is not to get married yet.”

Hot urine pushed down your bladder but you held your fort. You were very certain that your father whispered to you when you were outside. How then did this man repeat what you two discussed?

Your father laughed. “Of what use is a woman if not marriage?”

“Anyway,” he hit the back of his palms on his thighs, “my own daughter will be the best woman she can be.”

Your “independent” head nodded in agreement.

“So let us get into what brought you people here. I am about to go to work.”

“Work?” you blurted out.

He laughed, pointing at himself. “Can you not see that I am a police officer?”

You could no longer hold back your questions. “You are not the dibia, are you?”

He shook his head. “I am not the dibia.”

You held your chest and sighed in relief. A dog barked some distance away.

“I am Abiankata,” he said.

Your eyes flung open. “Are they not the same thing?”

Dikeọgụ laughed. “They are not the same thing. The agwudibia is a physician. I am a diviner. So if you are sick, this is not the best place to be. Go to Okafor’s house. Though,” he raised his hands in surrender, “let me clear your doubts. Both agwudibia and abiankata get our gifts from the goddess, Nneagwu.”

You pointed at the altar. “You are a Christian, are you not?”

He shrugged. “I cannot boldly go by that title, but my wife and children are Christians. It is the same God but different methods of worship. I go to church occasionally though.”

As if he could still read the confused look on your face, he added, “stop by another day and I shall clear all your doubts. For now,” he glanced at his watch, “let us get to business. I am running late.”

You rubbed your beardless jaw and shrugged. Your father relaxed on the sofa, shaking his legs and chewing his teeth noiselessly.

Dikeọgụ drew closer to the edge of his chair. “Agụ, I have consulted the goddess on your behalf. They told me that you are having ọgbanje children.”

You shuddered. Your body felt cold. You looked at your father who tilted his head slightly as if to say he told you so. You began to think that you were watching a drama unfold. Had your father secretly convinced this educated man to pretend to be a diviner and convince you of the “ọgbanje” thing?

“Your wife is pregnant, is she not?”

The urine pushed harder. You clasped your legs shut. You only found out yesterday after you tested her urine yourself. No one except both of you knew. How then did this man know?

“She will give birth to that baby, a girl. However, I’m afraid, she will die like the rest of your children.”

You covered your mouth with one hand, the second still between your clasped legs as if to push the urine back. Dikeọgụ looked at his watch again. Your father lowered his head and rubbed his forehead.

“It is too late to save this one. We will use her to set an example. After her death, I will give you a charm to bury around your house and give your wife a concoction to drink. But, and listen very carefully,” he drew his ears, “when the baby dies, neither you nor your wife should touch the corpse until I come.”

You could no longer hold back the urine. You rushed outside, went close to the bush, and relieved yourself.

*

When you watched the fifth child die, just like the others, you covered your sleeping wife’s mouth. She jerked out of sleep.

“She’s dead. Don’t shout and don’t touch her.”

She still tried to shout but you pressed your palm to her mouth and clenched your fist. “I said don’t shout. Do you want me to knock off your teeth?”

Her burning tears splashed on your palms. You left her mouth alone and staggered to your chair. Your wife cried until a few minutes later when the Dikeọgụ’s voice and bell-staff tolled in your compound. You unlocked the door and went outside. It was no longer the educated policeman that approached your house. The voice, however, was unmistakably Dikeọgụ’s. He walked gracefully and noiselessly as a tiger. He was wearing a white, cotton, ankle-length skirt and white, sleeveless, baggy shirt. His big goat-skin bag slung on his shoulder and he did not wear eyeglasses. A living turtle crawled in position on his neck, held fastened by a black neck rope. He neither greeted nor responded to your greeting. He entered the house walking backward and straight to the room where the baby lay as if he had been there before. Still reciting his incantations, he scooped the corpse of the baby and walked outside. You held your sobbing wife in your bosom as both of you walked behind him. The harmattan wind threatened to push down the trees; its howling sounds made the aura eerier. Amalachi hugged herself.

Dikeọgụ dropped the corpse on the sand and sat about ten feet away. “Undress her.”

You left Amalachi standing alone and carried Dikeọgụ’s order even if you felt as though you were exposing your “dead” baby to the cold. Her body was still as soft as cotton.

Dikeọgụ brought out a dagger from his bag and pointed it at you.

“Knife her.”

Your legs felt stiff and heavy. You wondered how you could stab your baby even though she is dead. Your wife clutched to your feet, pleading with you to allow the child to die well at least. You kicked your legs free, mistakenly hitting her in the jaw, and collected the dagger from Dikeọgụ. Consumed in the helpless rage from watching your children die, you dug the knife into her chest and dragged it down. Blood sputtered out, splashing on your wife and you. You knifed all parts of the baby’s body except her face. You could not bear touching her cute face. Her organs were visible from her mutilated body. Tears streamed down your eyes. You could not even bear looking at your wife who kneeled beside your baby, wailing.

“It can hear. Speak,” said Dikeọgụ.

You looked around as if trying to figure out where the malign spirit stood. “You malign spirit. You better not come back here! When you go back, tell them that I, Agụ, the tiger, said that if I catch you here again, I will bury you part by part. I will gouge out your eyes and chew them raw. I will use your brains for ngwọ-ngwọ.”

Dikeọgụ laughed. He produced three bundled ọmụ leaves from his bag which he gave to you. “Cover her.”

You spread the leaves all over the bloodied corpse.

“Set her on fire.”

You dashed inside, got a box of matches and a cup of kerosene. As you doused her in kerosene, you saw Amalachi holding her chest as though she was preventing it from falling apart. You flung the cup, struck a match and threw it on the corpse. It caught fire. The smell of burnt hair filled the air. You hugged the wailing Amalachi. Suddenly, you heard Dikeọgụ laughing, his oily face made visible by the fire, and pointing at nothing you could see.

“See them running away. Can you not see them over there?”

Hot vicious urine pushed down your bladder, but you had to stand like a man. Amalachi held you tighter as if she should enter your body, making you more determined to feign strength.

*

One year later, after obediently adhering to Dikeọgụ’s instructions, Amalachi gave birth to a son. As soon as Amalachi pushed her baby out from her vagina, the nurse screamed and almost dropped the baby. She rushed to the dressing table and dropped the baby as if he were a plate crawling with maggots.

You went called in. You looked at your baby. You recognized the long scars all over the baby’s body and even on his scrotum. The longest and deepest scar ran from his chest to his stomach. He had pink patches all over his body, hands, and legs like someone with vitiligo. You did not understand any of it. He wailed, kicking his legs, and reaching out to you. You carried him.

About Kasimma Okani

Kasimma Okani was born and raised in Nigeria. She schooled, worked, married, and is raising her family in Nigeria. She self-published her first set of books—three novellas—at the age of sixteen. Since then, fifteen years later, she has been trying to be an excellent writer. Her dream is to write very strong unforgettable stories that stay with the readers long after the book’s been closed. That is why she has made efforts to be a better writer, participating in Chimamanda Adichie’s Creative Writing Workshop, 2019; International Writing Workshop, 2019; SSDA flow workshop, 2019. Kasimma has also been a writer-in-resident at Faber, Spain; Wole Soyinka Foundation, Nigeria; Thread, Senegal; and elsewhere.

The One Who Leaves

By Melissa Mark

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The discontent of my parents’ house is palpable, yet everyone stays.

My dreams of getting an out-of-state scholarship were thwarted by my teenage rebellion, so I moved to Tucson to attend U of A with my best friend. Both of us worked to pay the rent on a crappy off-campus apartment, a sagging and faded building in front of an alley littered with stray cats. We fed them and wondered why they swarmed our front porch.

The discontent followed me. I moved back in with my parents after a year, the loneliness and homesickness a humiliating betrayal to my resolve to show them all how I could escape. 

Defeated, I commuted back and forth to ASU, dodging the hawking eye of my mother when I dared to eat a late-night snack in the kitchen. My hunger was insatiable, something that carrots and celery could not satisfy, no matter how hard I tried. “Yes, Mom, I know that tortilla chips are poison.” She nestled closely with my thin sister to live vicariously in her popular high school clique. My brother suffered panic attacks and pretended to attend his community college classes. My dad mellowed with age, fading into the background with ESPN on. Miserable, my finances dictated that I live there for another year until I could graduate and get a real job.

While finishing my degree, I worked part-time at a nearby gym. My manager wanted to date me, and although I felt nothing more than friendship toward him, I needed a friend. Topped off by the notion that someone older and world-wise wanted to be with me, I took the leap. He lived in rundown house on the other side of town with peeling paint and dying shrubbery, but I welcomed the escape. 

My mother’s disapproval was vehement: “he’s too old for you; he’s such a loser”, and this only strengthened my determination. My brother and dad wrapped up in their world of sports, my sister and mom in their sugary high school bubble…there was no room for me. I packed my clothes, my journals, and asked my mom if I could take my old, white dresser, the one that stood in the corner of my bedroom since I was four. 

“No. We need it here.”

Two years slugged on, peppered with my college graduation and my first ‘real’ job in behavioral health. I was busy applying a shiny coat of indifference to my appearance, trying on different looks that seemed adult-like. I tried on being in love with my boyfriend. I wore the delusion that he would one day suddenly grow the motivation to help me clean or take care of the yard. Go back to school and settle into a career. Deep down, I knew I was fooling myself, but where else would I go? Who else wanted to be with me? I was resigned to my life, the depression washing over me in waves, but it was what I knew. Why did I deserve to be happy? I’m not special. Everyone I know hates their job, their life.

An invitation to my friend’s wedding in Texas shifted my path into what I later believed to be divine intervention. A whisper of impending change fluttered within me as I packed my suitcase. Suddenly, I felt sentimental and reluctant to leave. I hugged my boyfriend and left with three of my girlfriends to be bridesmaids, to partake in the festivities of young love. Once I crossed the state lines, I discovered that I’d forgotten to pack my phone charger.

I met him in a bar. I was drinking rum and diet coke out of a phallic straw at the bachelorette party table. His dark eyes and confidence drew me in, his persistence and humor kept me there. My youth came tumbling out of my carefully crafted pseudo-adult shell. I couldn’t believe that he chose me, liked me, wanted to get to know me. Me, still carrying 8 of the extra fifteen pounds in my eyes (and my mother’s) even after my latest crash diet.  He called me later and I giggled, agreeing to meet him at my hotel after my friends were asleep. We talked all night at the pool, dipping our toes into the coolness, his syrupy voice lulling me in and surprising me with humor so sharp and safe all at once. His interest was intoxicating. 

All the while, my phone somehow stayed charged enough to talk several times a day and plan our meetups.  His call, his draw, a lure that led me to leave the wedding early to be with him. Uncharacteristic of me…but it felt so good to not be like me.

“When can I see you again?” The urgency pulled at my heart as we made plans that promised a future. We told each other it was a connection that geographical distance could not touch. 

Divinely orchestrated. Magical. A miracle. 

Whatever it was, I bowed in gratitude. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, simply living off the energetic pulse of our chemistry. For first time, I felt alive, electric, in love, as though I was living in someone else’s body. Was this what happiness felt like?

Guilt sickened my stomach once the plane landed. The hot dry air of my desert home redirected me back to reality, to what I had to do. Move out. Break up. Leave. I tasted freedom and life on the other side, and I longed to dance in it again, to live in it. 

I confided my dalliance to my mother and sister as we walked to the drugstore to develop the wedding film. Their eyes lit up and approval shone through as they excitedly lapped up the details. My mother oohed and ahhed over my “tiny little waist” and “beautiful cheekbones”, a byproduct of my new long-distance love diet. Her attention and love came with strings, but to be blanketed in such warmth after her perpetual freeze out was irresistible to me.

“Now you can come back home,” my mother told me. “I’ll buy you a plane ticket to visit him.”

He couldn’t watch me leave, he said, so he went out, presumably to a bar. My dad and brother loaded up my desk, my clothes, the few pictures I’d bought in a half-hearted attempt to brighten the walls. I purposely left the photographs behind, the few photo albums I’d made of the two of us. A bit of sadness came later, the knowledge that I’d hurt him, but I never missed him.

My heart belonged in Texas.

***

My anger was layered and hidden, lurking deep in my psyche where the light didn’t touch. I never knew it was inside me, most likely because bulimia helped me to drown it and spew it out efficiently. It works until it doesn’t. 

My sister was always the angry one, I was the “nice” one, my internal dialogue self-loathing and depressed. Two sides of the same coin, not unlike anorexia and bulimia. I beat myself up for not being able to be more on the anorexic side of things, as it seemed cleaner, more regimented and respectable. Bulimia was messy and represented a loss of control and an insatiable appetite that I hid in shame. I was only able to restrict for long periods of time without bingeing when I was taking my Metabolife diet pills.  

Never a smoker unless I paired cigarettes with alcohol, my social smoking status shifted when I was high on my diet pills. The glorious feeling of not being hungry, not being even remotely interested in food, so powerful and pure in my pursuit. Control was restored, there was not one extra ounce of fat on my body. My compulsivity manifested in my drive to constantly exercise and smoke, work out and then indulge in the feeling of a calorie-free release. I began smoking in my car on the way to work, even though I previously deemed my sister and friends gross for smoking cigarettes in the morning.  

Dizzy on legal amphetamine, I was as close to carefree as I’d ever been, high with the knowledge that I hadn’t eaten in days. My diet of cigarettes, Kellan, and wine at night kept me fed just fine, thank you very much. Today I brought half a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to work on my mother’s insistence, which made me laugh since she had basically tried to eliminate all fat and calories from my diet since I was six years old.  

The freeway in the morning took on a sunlit glow, filling my Honda with sparkly, golden light that enhanced my floaty feeling to the point of euphoria. I’d never felt this good. Meeting Kellan in Texas last month had emphasized how depressed I had been living with Bryan. It scared me that I would settle for that existence, that I thought I was living a normal life.  

The gratitude and sexual attraction I felt for Kellan bordered on obsession. Maybe he was my new obsession. 

Who cares? This is living, this is what I’ve been missing out on. I was so hot for Kellan that my entire body took on a juicy feeling when we spoke on the phone. This was love.  

Where am I? 

My route to work, the one I’d been driving for close to two years now, seemed completely new. I must’ve driven right past my exit. Uncharacteristically, it didn’t really bother me. I didn’t care about being late. In fact, I didn’t care about anything at all except for Kellan. What an amazing feeling.  

Come at me, Ruthanne Drexler. I don’t care anymore. 

After backpedaling and looping and finally finding my way back to familiar streets, I arrived at the West Phoenix Behavioral Health office at almost 9am. Jeannie and I were the only ones who were supposed to be there at 8 every day. With Jeannie’s receptionist job, it made sense, but I was the only clinical employee who wasn’t allowed to come in at our opening time of 8:30 “in case Jeannie needs backup”, Ruthanne told me, a condescending grimace on her face.  

Jeannie didn’t need backup.  

Ruthanne took pleasure in making my life miserable for the two years I’d been working under her management. As apple-shaped up top as her legs were skinny, her face resembled a frog’s, complete with buggy eyes and a double-chin. Her voice sounded consistently crackled and hoarse from years of smoking. I deduced she was probably in her early to mid-forties even though her wrinkled neck and baggy eyes looked much older. 

Yes, Ruthanne’s cigarette-ravaged appearance concerned me, but I figured I would quit smoking as soon as I arrived at my goal weight.  

The office was empty except for Jeannie and Nancy, one of the founding therapists who came in early just because that’s who she was. They were going over the psychiatrist’s schedule together at Jeannie’s desk as I moseyed in the door. Jeannie looked up at the jangle of the bells. “Nicole!” she mock admonished. “You are late!”  

Nancy, a trim, no-nonsense grandmother in her early sixties peered at me from over her glasses. “You’re also getting way too thin.”  

Since Ruthanne was nowhere in sight, I went outside to smoke, reveling in Nancy’s weight comment and marveling that my hipbones jutted out in the coveted way my sister’s did in her low-slung jeans. My hands shook in a pleasant adrenaline rush as I lit my cigarette and called Kellan. My upcoming trip to visit him in Texas was helping to keep my appetite at bay as well. My heart raced with an intensity that hopefully burned as many calories as my daily run. 

“Hey, sweet thing,” Kellan answered on the second ring. He’d specifically told me to call him at 9am my time, which meant he’d be on his lunch break in TX. 

“Hey, how are you?” I never knew what to call him. Pet names didn’t roll off my tongue like they seemed to on his. He called me baby, babe, sweet thing, gorgeous, beautiful girl – so many lovely names with ease. I felt stupid for even trying. I could barely utter his name without fear of coming across to him as too familiar or assuming.  

I still could not believe he was with me. I didn’t want to say ‘mine’, but he called me ‘his’, and that felt so right. My mom had photocopied the picture he’d given me when I left, the one with his stupid stick-thin ex-girlfriend on his back. Mom cut out a fitting sized picture of my face from another photo, then superimposed it on the photo so that it looked like it was me riding piggyback. After I laughed and told her she needed to find more to do at work. It now occupied a supreme spot in my over-the-hill dorm room, as my brother called my room at my parents’ house. It was framed and sitting on my dad’s computer desk. I’m sure he appreciated it while he logged into his email.  

“So, five more days!” I continued brightly, trying not to inhale into the phone. 

“I still can’t believe you’re finally coming,” Kellan murmured, his sexy tone causing me to drag deeply on my cigarette, forgetting not to. His sexiness was insane. My attraction to him was insane. 

My sanity never did me any favors in the past, so I would happily ride this crazy train until it crashed and burned.  

“I don’t know if you’ll like me when you see me, though,” he said warningly. “I’ve been eating like a truck driver. You’re gonna see me all chunky and turn around and fly back to your house.”  

“No way,” I laughed. “You’re crazy.” If he only knew how obsessed I was with him. Didn’t he know?  

“Seriously, though.” His voice went even deeper. “I told you how I was depressed awhile back, right?” 

“Yeah, you did.” 

We’d both shared so many deeply personal details that they ran together intertwined in my mind, proof of how solid and binding our connection was. He’d confided that he was on medication for his depression, how awful his parents’ divorce had been, how he was the emotional support for his sisters, how his mom was more a friend than a mom and how he never felt like he lived up to his dad’s expectations. 

He paused. “Shit, they messed up my sandwich again.” In a low voice he continued, “The sandwich girl dropped my lettuce on the counter and then just scooped it back up and put it into my sandwich like it never happened. This is going on my list of places to never eat at again.” 

I snorted. “Be careful so that they don’t do anything worse next time.” I shifted my weight to balance on my other foot. I felt compelled to balance like a stork on one foot whenever I smoked in the parking lot. I had to be burning more calories that way. 

“You know you’re the only person I’m ever nice to, right?” 

I delighted in this, knowing he was tough to please. It occurred to me that if I could pass his test, I must mean something. 

***

To be fair, it was my fault. I started the whole thing by wearing black lacy thong underwear under my white cuffed jeans. In my excitement, I hadn’t packed very carefully, and I was out of underwear by my last full day in Texas. I almost wore my teal sundress, but it was wrinkled, and Kellan didn’t own an iron.   

Thinking my black cotton tank top covered enough of my tight white pants, I wore it out to the bar where Kellan and I were meeting his buddies. Apparently, I was wrong because Kellan almost punched one of his friends when I was ordering drinks at the bar. Hearing raised voices, I turned around in alarm to see him heatedly threatening Marco that he’d better “stop looking at her ass!”  

The trip wasn’t going as I’d pictured. The romantic, smooth-talking Kellan who lavished me with romance on the phone all those weeks was now consistently cloaked in anger and jealousy.  

Even so, there was a twisted part of me that always thought I wanted to be with someone who was jealous. Someone who loved me so much and found me so attractive, he couldn’t stand seeing other men look at me. However, the fantasy I’d concocted in my head was much more flattering and pleasant than reality. I was constantly stressed out and walking on eggshells as to not upset him.  

The night before, he grew furious at me for talking to one of his roommates for too long. I had no idea I’d done anything wrong until I looked over and he was sitting in a lawn chair, smoking a cigarette and staring straight ahead. Trying to be playful, I walked over with my beer and sat on the edge of the armrest. I smiled down at him. He looked straight ahead.  

Cold pooled inside my stomach. “Hey, what’s wrong?”  

Silence.  

Now having confirmation that I had indeed upset him somehow, I self-consciously looked behind me to see if anyone was watching, but his friends all scattered, most likely sensing the storm that was about to hit.  

“Kellan,” I tried again, twisting off the armrest and kneeling in front of him. “What’s the matter?”  

He blinked slowly and made eye contact. Cold. “Oh, now you remember who you’re here with? I think you and Jesse were getting along pretty well. “  

“Kellan, I wasn’t ignoring you. I’m just trying to get to know your friends, too, since I’m here and we’re all hanging out and …” Notes of desperation crept into my voice, unsteady and crackled.   

 “You’d think I wasn’t even here.”  

“I’m so sorry.” I pleaded with the blankness of his stare, trying to salvage the night. “We were just talking, and I asked him how long you guys had been friends and he was telling me stories about when you guys were younger. I swear. I’m so sorry if you felt like I was ignoring you.” My eyes filled with tears despite my best efforts. 

Kellan met my eyes and seemed to soften at the sight of my tears. “Baby,” he whispered. He reached out to stroke my hair. My entire body began to relax. “I just can’t stand to see you flirt with another guy. Even if he is my buddy.” He enveloped me in his arms and pulled me into his lap.   

I was so relieved that I forgot to worry about how much of my weight was pressing into him.

***

Dad was sitting in the kitchen at the small round table when I came downstairs at 6am. His hands steepled over his temples, his eyes closed, his breathing deep. I rolled my eyes as I poured the coffee he’d made earlier into my silver travel mug. Where had this calm, meditative dad been when we were little? The one who pounded the washing machine with his fists to create an intimidating boom when we were too loud for his liking? 

“When I come home, all I want is some goddamned peace and quiet!!” 

I snapped on my coffee lid and slid a thin slice of bread into the toaster. Dad rubbed his eyes and looked up at me. “Hey, kid. Do you have an early meeting?” 

“No, I just need to finish some paperwork.” Anxiety gurgled in my stomach as I hurriedly spread my fake peanut butter on my diet whole wheat bread, both marked with purple Sharpie to let my brother know he wasn’t allowed to eat them. “Not PB” the label said. I didn’t care what it was as long as it was half of the fat and calories. I’d eaten more in the week returning home from Texas than I had in the past six months, feeding my fear of what would become of my long-distance relationship. 

Dad snorted as he picked up the newspaper, shaking it open with a snap. “You want to hear about stress?” He set the paper down flat and rose to get his coffee cup from the cupboard. “World’s Best Dad” stood out in white enameled lettering against the pale blue ceramic mug, a Father’s Day gift from years back. 

Dad launched into a description of his latest trials and tribulations at work, I bit into my toast and tried not to gobble it down in two bites. I wiped a dab of “Not PB” from the corner of my mouth and felt a tenderness right under the skin. It felt like a deep pimple was sprouting right in the corner of my mouth. Just what I needed. 

I flashed back to shoving tortilla chips into my mouth at lightning speed in the walk-in pantry last night while looking over my shoulder to make sure no one in my family would come downstairs and discover me. The three glasses of wine I’d consumed lubricated my willpower to the point of nothing and I gave into my deep hunger. Tortilla chips, stale Ritz crackers, fig newtons from who-knows-when, fingerfuls of real peanut butter…my stomach turned now as I thought of all the unappetizing and probably expired food that I’d binged on in a panic. It didn’t even taste good. 

This morning, I’d carefully applied my concealer to try to disguise the broken blood vessels that scattered underneath my eyes from the purge last night, but I knew I still looked puffy and haggard. I tried to drown out the voices telling me how disgusting and worthless I was with sips of the strong black coffee.  

A tornado of suppressed screams inside me demand to know why this still affects me, still haunts me, still influences how my days begin and end. After all these years, this shit still controls me. My mood depends on what I ate, how much I ate, if I threw it up, how much of that I think I got up, and how bloated and puffy my face and belly are reflected in the mirror. 

I’m a smart girl. Why can’t I stop eating? 

Some people like to begin their day with a cup of coffee. I like to rehash everything I ate the previous day, tally up the calories and set a cap on the amount of calories I can ingest today to make up for any slip-ups yesterday. Then I pinch my stomach, feel my ribs, and make sure I am still thin, because there’s no way I’m ever going back to what I was.

About Melissa Mark

Melissa Mark struggled to choose between majoring in creative writing and psychology in college. As a practicing therapist for almost twenty years, she is now exploring her love of writing and hopes it’s not a midlife crisis. Melissa has been published by Scary Mommy and is a contributor to City Mom Collective. She lives in Flagstaff, AZ with her husband and two young boys, and is currently working on a novel that has nothing to do with motherhood or raising kids.

Dawn Into Dusttown

By McKinnon

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It ate part of the town yesterday, and when Mom and Dad caught me listening to them whisper about it late at night, Dad sat me down and told me that, “I was not— under any circumstances— going to go back there, do you understand, young lady? Because it’s big and dangerous and scary and even the adults don’t know what it is.”

Dad said I would get it “so bad” if I ever went back there, but of course I had to go. The first time I went was with Susan Cassidy, and this is what we saw:

The prairie was all dusted dry, that’s the only way I can explain it: Ray’s old gas station was gone and so was Ray I guess, but then, so was the grocery store and the thrift shop and the sidewalk and even the road, and if that wasn’t weird enough, the only thing that was left of that part of town were the grasses, only, way too clean, shiny like I’d never seen them before, glowing, as if the buildings we’d built over them had never been there at all. I thought that was the weirdest thing I’d ever seen, but things got even weirder after that. 

There are no hills here.

You’d know that if you lived where I live, but down the street from Susie’s (if you know where to go) there’s an old dusty path that runs out from behind the dollar store, and eventually, it leads up to this thing we call a hill. It’s kind of a little rise that looks over the part of town where the thing landed the first time, and that’s where it landed again, I guess, the morning after Susie and I sat on the hill and looked over the polished no-space where a good stretch of our town used to be: now with no gas station, no thrift store, no road, no nothin’.

We were only there for a minute or two because Susie got scared and kept saying: “I dunno, Kathy. I don’t like this, I don’t like it one bit. What if our parents find out? What if it comes back and it storms again? What if— This is weird, Kathy. weird, weird, weird what if—”

And eventually, I had to leave just shut Susie up, and I was too loud sneaking back home and Dad caught me and grounded me for a week right there in the living room. After that, he called up Susie’s mom and grounded her too, and I went straight upstairs with no dinner to “think about what I’d done.”

Upstairs, all I got to thinking about was that without Susie Cassidy, I would’ve stayed looking at that strip of vanished town forever, that snipped-off bit of normal, with the polished golden grasses growing tall and even on a perfect line where the street ended, as clean as if someone had sliced off the edge of town with a razor.

Upstairs, I got to thinking that I wanted to see the monster come back. Call me crazy, but I had to know how it did it, and in school I’d heard the boys talking and found out that the only one who’s maybe seen it for real is Robbie Rickshaw. Robbie scares me more than the monster, first cause he’s a boy and next cause he’s Robbie Rickshaw, but if Dad hadn’t grounded me right after I went up the hill with Susie, I’d have gone to see him sooner.

If any of the stories about Robbie are true, he’s the only person in this town crazy enough to go chasing after monsters. It’s something in his blood I guess, and maybe when the world gets crazy, it’s safer to be with crazy people than normal ones.

That, and Robbie’s been talking about this monster for years. So after I was sure that Mom and Dad were asleep, I put on my adventure jacket and my warmest socks and I climbed out the window and down the tree and onto the road, already trusting without ever having met, our town’s notorious wildboy, Robert B. Rickshaw.

I stood there for a small forever throwing stones at his window before he snuck up behind me, and when I spun around I was so scared, more scared than I’d been of that people-less, houseless-less, town-less stretch of clean field that I’d seen on the hill with Susie. More scared than I was scared of the monster that had eaten part of our town.

Susie says that Robbie’s weird, weird and mean and strange and different. She says he’s no good, and that when he came to town, familyless and friendless and alone, everyone started out curious and came away scared, because Robbie’s a weird boy and because he’s a different color and because for a long time he couldn’t stop talking about monsters and crazy, horrible things.

From what I know about him from school, Robbie’s bad reputation raised him up pretty quick, and he started to act out more as an outcast, and whenever you heard about a kid spray painting walls or shooting out road signs or hitting mailboxes with baseball bats that kid was always Robbie even if it wasn’t, and all of that must’ve made him worse. But when I met Robbie Rickshaw outside of the orphanage, he didn’t look particularly mean or aggressive or strange.

He looked more confused than anything. He looked like he was already dressed for adventure, with the right clothes and the right supplies and everything, and that was weird because I’d just been throwing pebbles at what I thought was his window, trying to wake him up.

I guess it was as strange for Robbie to have a girl visiting him in the middle of the night as it was for me to be there, and it must have been even stranger that that girl was me: little, loopy, bookish Kathy Mathers, who doesn’t talk much to boys in general, let alone boys like Robbie Rickshaw.

So, Robbie, standing there in the cold in his dirty jacket and his shredded shoes, who’d probably been watching me try to get his attention for ten minutes, could say nothing except:

“What do you want?”

And me, suddenly conscious of my nicer jacket and nicer shoes and general girlishness, could say nothing except:

“Susi… people say that you’ve seen it.”

He didn’t like that.

Robbie turned around and probably would’ve walked down the street if I hadn’t grabbed his coat and kind of pulled him around and said: “wait, wait. Robbie, please. Don’t go.”

Something in the way I said that stopped him.

Maybe I did something that only boys can understand, because Robbie didn’t walk away and I don’t know why. He just stood there looking at me with this strange mix of curiosity and interest and maybe even fear, and it got to the point when I felt like I needed to say something, so I said:

“Look— they say that you’ve seen it and that you know where it lives, and maybe no one believes you but I believe you, and I want to go there and I want to go now.”

Robbie Rickshaw spat on the ground.

“And why should I take you, Kooky Kathy Bookworm? What’s in it for me?” he asked, using the nickname that used to make me cry in the school bathroom before I got too big to care about bullies.

In the street I didn’t cry. I looked him right in his dusty face.

“Nothing. I’ve got no food and no lunch money or nothin’, but I’ll be your friend. Mom says that boys like you don’t have any friends and I think that’s sad. So, I’ll be your friend, Robbie Rickshaw, and I’ll tell Susie Cassidy not to say nasty things about you. And how’s that?”   

I felt stupid as soon as I said it, and I thought he was gonna spit on my shoes or hit me right there on the sidewalk on the wrong side of town. But to my surprise, tough and dirty Robbie Rickshaw didn’t spit or laugh or scoff or even sneer. He only said:

“You’ll regret it, bein’ my friend,” and he stared into the sidewalk cracks.

“Prove it,” I said, with my hands on my hips and my feet set like Mom, and the two of us looked into each other’s eyes until he turned and walked down the yellow line on the road.

I knew then that it was alright if I followed him, and I did, and maybe Robbie was right and I was better off not being his friend, better off staying home and vanishing with Mom and Dad and our world, but that’s not what happened.

What happened is I went out with Robbie Rickshaw and we saw things no one should see, and afterward, we lived to tell the tale.

He led me out of town on paths I’d never seen before and beyond, to places that were strange but still familiar, still populated with the same thick, tall, waving gold grasses of home, except less touched by the soot of the city.

Those grasses grew straight and high overhead, and with each step through the wilderness, I trusted Robbie Rickshaw not to do something awful to me like the things men did to girls in tales.

Though, already, he didn’t seem like that type of boy.

Robbie hardly talked, didn’t smile, and walked with a quiet but reserved roguishness that didn’t fit the wildboy stories I’d heard about him, and around the time we saw the mountain, I began to wonder if any of the things I’d heard about Robbie Rickshaw were actually true.   

He pointed to the bluish mass of skyline in the distance, barely visible at night and easily taller than anything I’d ever seen or imagined.

“We have to go up there,” he said.

“Has that mountain always been there?”

He nodded. “Yeah, but you can’t see it from town, and your people never go outside of town because they’re either too scared or too dumb.”

“Mom and Dad aren’t dumb,” I said, and he replied, real slow:

“Yeah. They are,” and I dropped it, with both of us walking through what must have been miles of grassland until we stepped on something I’d never walked on before.

It was hard: shiny and smooth and dustless, what I guess people mean when they talk about stone, or maybe it was something else, but it had this smell: a smell so strong and unreal that it made my eyes water and my nose burn.

It was acrid, too-clean, something near-citric and toxic and it hurt.

“Why do we have to go here?” I asked, doing my best to cover my crying eyes with my sleeve.

“Because you asked me to take you and because these stinking flats are the only place it doesn’t go. I hate it here too, but this place is flat and weird and grassless until the…  mountain and it won’t go there. It only feeds on the towns in the prairie.”

I thought about that while we trudged along, then: “So… so you do think it’ll come back?”

“I think worse,” he said, “I think it’ll come back in the morning after dawn. I think it’ll do what it does, and I think that this time there’ll be nothing left: no town, no people, no nothin.”

“Then why don’t you do something?” I snapped, “why don’t you tell the police or the principal or the people in the orphanage?”

“Because they beat me,” he said, “and because I hate it here. I hate this stupid town and I hate these stupid people and I hope it does come back. I hope it comes back just like I always said it would, and I hope it wipes this stupid place off the face of the earth.”

“You don’t mean that,” I said, but Robbie didn’t reply, and I didn’t ask him any more questions, because I knew he was serious about those awful things that he said, and neither of us spoke another word until we came to the foot of the mountain.

While blue at a distance it was black up close, sheer, slick, and easily the tallest thing I’d ever seen. From atop the first ridge we could see a vast stretch of the flat-flat grassland that I used to think was the whole world, and as we clambered and scrambled up that mountain, huffing and puffing, I couldn’t help but look over it all and see how big the world actually was and how small we were in comparison.

We didn’t talk until we’d been climbing for what must have been hours, and then I asked Robbie the question that had been nagging me most of the night. It was:

“Why me? If you hate everyone and everything then why take me with you? Why not run away by yourself and never come back?”

“I tried,” he said.

“What?”

“I tried,” he shrugged. “I tried to run away and save myself, but when I packed up and started off you were there throwing rocks at my window. I sat and watched you in the cold by the dumpsters, and after awhile I figured that I didn’t hate you as much as the others.”

I couldn’t help laughing just a little. “I don’t hate you either,” I said, and we looked at each other and then looked away, over the cold grassland cast under purple night light.

“So, will we be able to see the monster when the sun comes up?” I asked.

“Sure,” said Robbie. “We’re standing on it.”

And, seeing the look on my face, Robbie Rickshaw smiled a smile that would melt the heart of a snake.  

Dawn came all at once, like always: first there was no light and then it was all there, illuminating the whole world from somewhere far above.

I could see the grassland, see the hard, shining, stinking flats around it. I could even see up and up the face of the silent, sleeping beast, all the way up to where it faded into places that my eyes weren’t meant to see. We couldn’t climb any higher. There weren’t any more ledges. I plucked up the courage to whisper:

“How do you know it won’t eat us? How do you know it won’t move?” 

Robbie shook his head.

“It can’t move by itself. That’s all I know. If it’s anything like last time, it won’t move until the second monster gets here.”

I gulped.

“S-second… monster?” 

“I don’t know what to call it,” Robbie said, “call it God if you want to, but don’t ask me what it is, ‘cause I can’t tell you.”

“And that’s what you saw last time?”

“Yeah,” he said, and for the first time since we started off to the mountain Robbie Rickshaw looked truly sad, trailing off to a choked whisper: “last time.”

And that was when I finally put it all together: how Robbie came to town familyless, how he couldn’t stop talking about monsters.

“It… where you came from. It— it ate your town didn’t it? Ate your family?”

He nodded, head down, one tear cutting through the grime on his cheeks:

“Nothin’… nothin’ left. All of them.”

I reached out and held his hand for a long time. It was warm, and while I held it I couldn’t help thinking about my own family, couldn’t help imagining that just now Mom and Dad must be waking up in town and wondering where I was: knocking on my door, checking my bed, calling the neighbors, yelling my name, crying and staring their day in a frenzy, knowing exactly where I’d gone without being able to follow, and here I was overlooking it all, with nothing left to do but hold Wild Robbie Rickshaw’s hand because I needed to know.

I needed to see it happen.

And I did.

In about an hour the monster woke up, and Robbie and I watched it gobble up the whole town. 

The second thing arrived with seven thunderous earthquake-footsteps that shook the world and almost split my head in half. Looking up, I couldn’t see all of what it was. It stretched up and up and up into heaven, the monster that only Robbie had seen, and before I shielded my eyes from it I knew he was right. 

It was God, and God was vengeful. 

High up in the clouds, he throttled the top of our mountain with a hand as big as a planet, and with us still perched on the ledge far below, he slid the mountainous mass of monster over the stinking flats until it was well on the way to our town. 

There was a tumultuous, atomic rumbling noise, an ear-splitting, head-crunching, deafening roar, and in a second, the monster slid across the miles of grassland that had taken us all night to cross with impossible, sickening ease.

Under us, it began to storm.

Such a storm I’d never seen. It was the godly, horrible, thunderous tumult of the rapture. Riding on the flat outcrop of the mountain, we moved too fast to see it all. One second we weren’t there and the next second we were, sliding over our town as if we rode on a cloud. It all happened so fast that I don’t think I could see everything even if I wanted to.

I remember looking down and watching a hundred terrible tornadoes obliterate everything I’d ever known: public library shredded to pieces, the roads blown to dust, cars gone, hospital sucked to heaven, Susie’s parents house torn to splinters and eradicated, and under all of it, nothing left but pure and uniform golden grasses.

Over the roar of His thunderous anger, I couldn’t even hear their screams. I couldn’t hear anything until it was over and the storms subsided. There was a sickening lurch in my stomach as the monster retreated back to the edge of creation, and I couldn’t move until Robbie grabbed me and yelled “JUMP!”

I didn’t have time to argue.

He grabbed my hand and we jumped, fell floating down to earth while God and his monster left us holding each other on the floor of a world made clean.

I’m not sure how long we laid there, but I remember waking up to a pure and golden world with not even a speck of dust to be found.

It was heaven: not even the memory of our people remained. We were speechless for a while, your father and I, but eventually life moved on, and pretty soon we got to building the town you see around you today, complete with road signs and supermarkets and the home where we raised you.

Robbie says that God will bring his monster around again, and he’s lived through it twice, so I thought I’d tell you both this story as soon as you were old enough to understand what it means. Your father thinks that when the monster comes back we’ll all run away together, but he knows as well as I do that we can’t do that.

Robbie and I are too old now.

We’ll stay with the home we built and vanish like my family did, but you Adam, and you Eve, well— you’re both about as old as I was when I ran away with your father, and maybe it’s your destiny to start it all over again.

But who knows?

Between the four of us, I think we’re smart enough to get you out of here next time the rapture comes. As someone who’s seen Him, I can tell you that God ain’t built in our image, kids: he’s got hands big as planets and continents for feet, a squishy body that goes up and up and up.

As dust, we can’t claim to understand His will. But know this: someday, God’ll want his grassland heavenly clean again, and when he does, we’ll wait for him and his monster with our heads held high and our eyes unguarded, ’cause God must know as well as I do that dust settles in every corner of creation, and try as he might, he can’t vacuum us all.

About McKinnon

McKinnon lives in the mountains. He spends his days exploring the rivers, lakes, and trails Southwest of Asheville and his nights writing stories to read to friends. He’s thrilled that you’ve read his work, and earnestly hopes that you have a generally agreeable existence on our little blue spaceship.

Stars and Sky

By Ian Campbell

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All the stars are closer tonight than they were last night. Than they were a few minutes ago. Some are bright enough that I can’t look directly at them. It’s not a trick of the light. Or some atmospheric phenomenon. The stars are closer. Close enough to touch, but I don’t reach out. It’s not the time for that.

There’s no one else outside when this happens, just empty lawns along the block in all directions. No one ever sees them get closer. They only see the stars as they are meant to be, distant and cold and untouchable.

I stand in the yard. Watch the stars get brighter until I need to cover my eyes with my hand. There is the sense of growing heat on my skin, as though I were standing in the midday sun—but that might be my imagination, so I ignore it. I can see light around my fingers, and I wonder what I must look like. Me standing there, covering my face, head towards the sky. Someone staring from their living room window and shaking their head as if in confirmation that I am, in fact, as weird as they thought. Maybe more than they thought.

The light is gone and there is only dark at the edges of my hand. The drone of streetlights warming up. Suburban wildlife moving in the shadows of SUVs and uniformly shaped hedges. In the air, dinner smells mingle like the open-air market we visited in some country when I was a boy. A rare trip where we felt a family, having only each other in a place of the exotic and the unknown.

When I uncover my eyes, the stars are where they are supposed to be in the sky. I don’t know enough about astronomy to know for sure if they are. I take it on faith that they are and turn back towards the house. The house sits on a corner lot. It’s not as nice as some of the others on the block, but the lawn spreads out like a field, bigger than the others around it. Room enough to run for a catch. Not that I’ve ever done that. The lawn is the only thing that distinguishes the house from all the others on the block. Most are bigger and nicer, but that doesn’t bug me.

I lay on the grass. Summer days that pink my skin. The sun arching across the sky, the stars dim behind it. Always are there stars if you know where to look. Deeper in the blackness of space than the star at the center of our own galaxy. When I lay there, the grass pokes at my skin through my clothes. The urge to itch is intense, makes me squirm, but I stop myself from scratching. Let the feeling overwhelm until I can barely breathe or think. Where the sensation is everything. To the point I can no longer hold off and then I lose control. My nails drag across my skin until it’s red, close to bleeding, until it hurts, and the feeling disappears.

It’s greener in front of my house. The others around us are forever under siege by concrete. This is the only home I’ve ever known. One that I’ve explored countless times. Until I could close my eyes and tell you of every corner, crack, and creak of the whole.

I was lost once. Lost to my mother and father, though I heard them call for me, heard the panic in their voices as my name carried out over the yard and into the street, mixed with the voices of neighbors who came out to see what was wrong. Then I heard my name in a half-dozen voices. A chorus calling out to me. And still I did not come.

A boy from down the street—he moved away years ago—saw my feet sticking out from behind a bush and called out. I remember the anger on my father’s face and how it seemed to spread onto the faces of the others as they looked at me. As though his anger gave them license to feel the same. He carried me into the house, away from everyone except my mother, who followed along behind him, saying nothing. Her eyes on the ground, though I stared at her, hoping she would feel me. My mind willing her to look at me, but her head stayed down until she moved away from us to do something in the kitchen. The sounds of pots being moved around as my father carried me upstairs, his muscles tense. Where it hurt but was as close to a hug as I would ever get, both love and punishment. So that his hands would sting less later, only the words he yelled causing any real pain. The tone sharper than any hit that night.

It bugs my father, the faults of our home, though I have never asked him about it. But I’ve seen the way he looks at it. The way he stares at it when he gets home, before he goes inside. As though he might stay in the car and drive away. Letting the disappointment fade in the rearview as he fumbles through the radio stations, whistling a song that isn’t playing. Instead he pulls the keys out of the ignition and comes inside, his eyes flicking to the sides with each step as though an escape might present itself. It never does, and I always hear the door open, the weight of him taking hold of the house like a second gravity.

Like our house, I disappoint my father all the time. Our dog, sweet and innocent and old, disappoints him, too. We often share in the disappointment together, standing side-by-side as my father rattles on and on about the two of us. My mother standing in the doorway to the kitchen. Sometimes she nods, but I don’t think she agrees with him. She usually finds me later to place her hand on my shoulder and to tell me that I’m not a disappointment. Always in a whisper and her eyes flit about as though she expects him to jump out from behind a corner, face full of rage. The look of someone betrayed come to seek revenge. Even when we can hear him laugh at something on the television elsewhere in the house, she whispers. When she’s done, she always says, “Don’t tell him.” Her voice trailing off.

She never finishes the thought. What I shouldn’t tell him. I know how it ends and she knows that I know so it’s enough to keep her from saying the whole of the thing. That she doesn’t ever want me to tell him that she talks to me after. As if saying it aloud would make it hurt less for me. My mother can’t shield me from the pain of knowing that she would rather I feel like a disappointment in front of my father than to let him know that she secretly talks to me afterwards to tell me I am not.

Tonight, I stand outside the house and want the bright lights to come back. The stars to get closer. Maybe I can reach out and finally take hold of them. Maybe it’s time. Half of me imagines the things from beyond that await me if I did touch the stars. The other half of me doesn’t care if the answer is simply that I burn up in the burst of radiation. Even that would be better than to walk back into the house. To turn my back on the stars. But I do walk inside. The air stuffy and thick around me. My father sits at a chair in the kitchen. There are papers spread out on the table, a cigarette burning on a plate next to him. By the sink, my mother is drying the dishes with a yellow towel, frayed at the edges but still the color of the sun.

She’s wearing an apron to keep the water from splashing onto her dress, which blossoms with different flowers in an endless loop around her waist and legs. I remember, years ago, when she laid the pattern down on the table and I moved my fingers over the black spaces between the flowers, the material soft on the tips of my skin. I tried to go from one side to the other without touching any of them. The type of game that comes easy when you’re a child. I would return my finger to the beginning of the print if I touched a flower, sometimes even if I wasn’t sure I had touched one. It felt wrong to complete the journey if I wasn’t sure. It felt like cheating. Eventually, she brushed my hand away and told me to go play somewhere else. She spent the next several evenings making the dress. A smile on her face the whole time.

My father was different on those nights. He was nicer, even to the dog. He would look up from the tv and ask me how it was looking, and I would go and look and then give him a detailed report. As I spoke, he listened and nodded and sometimes closed his eyes as if trying to imagine it. Sometimes he would stop and ask me a question about it, as if gain more clarity of the picture in his mind. He would always end the exchange by telling us that he loved “this” and would spread his arms wide, sweeping them over us. Even over the dog on the floor, his eyes watching the movements from between his paws. My father would wink at me and then go back to the television. When she finished the dress, I had the urge to rip it in half. To have her start again. To keep going those moments when things seemed different. When things were happier and there lived in the house a hope. The look on her face as she held it up, the flowers cast in alternating hues of light and shadow from the bright bulb of the lamp by the sewing machine, stopped me.

Tonight wasn’t the first night the stars got closer. They’ve come closer before. Many times before. Five years ago, I was eleven and looking out of my bedroom window, the town lights like their own constellations, and saw the stars blink off. They were there one moment, but then they were gone the next. Only deep darkness remained. Almost black, except for the flare coming from the lights of the town below. And then they were back, in the space of a few heartbeats. But they were closer, much closer. The surprise of this caused me to step back and I tripped on my feet.

My head missed the dresser, but my back hit the floor with all my weight, and I felt the wind squeezed out of me. I cried out when I got my breath back, my voice high and choked. By the time my father opened the door, light spilling in from behind him bright enough to hurt my eyes, the stars were back to where they always were. After he saw that I was okay, aside from the tears, he stared at me, his face in shadow. He didn’t say I was a disappointment then. He didn’t have to. His silence was enough, and then he walked away without a word. I listened to his steps down the hall. Watched his shadow move in front of the light until it was gone. My mother, a small voice that felt a universe way, asked him if I was okay. There was no reply and then television noise drifted over the house. I moved over to the window, but the stars remained where they were, and I went to bed with the sound of my father’s laughter trailing in through the cracked door.

Sometime, in the middle of the night, I felt a weight at the foot of my bed. Half of my brain was still dreaming. Still thinking of the stars. My mother’s voice in the dark. She loved me. Her hand resting on my foot, which was covered by the thick blanket. The touch felt removed from me. The sensation lessened by more than just the material between us. It didn’t comfort me the way I knew it should and I pretended to be asleep until she finally stood up and left. I looked out the window when I was sure she was gone, the stars high in the night sky, billions of miles away. Out of reach. No longer close.

That was the first time I noticed the stars, but there were more nights. Many more. Times when they would blink off, as on that first night, but the effect became less jarring each time. Sometimes they would appear as if they were further away. There were fewer stars in the sky in those moments. This would happen, and I would have time to think the world had shrunk. When I looked up at the moon, though, it was the same size as it had always been, so I would discard the idea. Later, when I wasn’t thinking about it, I would find something was smaller than it was before. A sock that I had to throw away because it barely came to my arch. The table, by the front door, that began to tilt when you put your keys on it. One of its four legs now slightly smaller than the others. There was the time I felt a sting on my arm as I let it rest on the desk in my room. Upon inspecting the spot of pain, I saw a tiny, pink eraser sticking out of my skin. The number two etched on the side of the pencil, now the size of a penny, when I pulled it out. Small drops of blood I had to wipe away. I was convinced the dog was slightly smaller, but I couldn’t ask, and he couldn’t tell me anyway. Something in his eyes, when we would stare at each other, him at the foot of my bed resting his face between his front paws, me sitting against the headboard. We carried that secret together. Holding it with someone else made me feel better. I felt less alone. The secret findings an array of scattered stars but still able to make something whole. A constellation. An understanding that the universe was doing something I didn’t understand.

I wondered if others saw it. I carried that small sock and its pair to school, not wanting to leave it at home to be found among my things. The questions that might come. Misunderstandings that would have to be dealt with. Pain I didn’t want. I walked through the halls of the school with the sock in my backpack like I was hiding contraband. Eyes on me as I moved past the other kids, ones that hardly talked to me, looks that lingered as though they knew.

In the middle of class, I asked to use the restroom and walked out, the teacher barely bothering to write the slip before I moved into the empty hallway. White like some alien landscape incapable of sustaining life upon its surface. Classrooms like distant worlds seen through shatter-proof glass windows. I felt the pull of gravity as I passed each one, almost drawn into their orbit. Occasionally, someone looked up and our eyes met before they flicked away, and I glanced off and towards the next class and then the next. My steps carrying me zigzag until I reached the bathroom.

I pulled the socks out and held them up to the light coming from the frosted glass blocking off the world outside. Something in seeing them in contrast, their different sizes, helped me to feel not alone and not crazy. A question I asked myself always after the stars left. When I was by myself, once again. Just another speck of dust traveling the length of galaxies before eventually being annihilated by the heat of some immense star whose gravity is impossible to escape. Its pull enough to direct the flow of planets. Of the universe itself. Where oblivion is the only thing that matters. The only thing that’s inevitable in the cosmic dance. The socks, proof of what only I could see, held firm within my hands so that I no longer wanted to throw them away.

A boy entered, as I held them up to the light, and looked at me. Someone from class. A boy who called me weird when I walked by him. His anger like the heat of radiation, though I had never spoken a word to him. He followed me. The bathroom too far away for that not to be the case. He glanced at the socks and asked if I was about to fuck them. His hit came fast, and I almost threw up, right on him, but only spittle came, and it splatted on the ground as I worked for air. He came at me again as I felt close to passing out and I held the socks towards him as though that would stop him. Instead he grabbed them and shoved them into my mouth, and I wished the stars were there, but it was just he and I and then he was gone, and then it was just me. The taste of salt and iron in my mouth as I pulled the socks out and wiped the tears from my eyes. And then I threw them away and washed my face off in the sink. I lifted my shirt, the bruise already forming. It matched the ones already there.

Even the stars aren’t always there when I need them.

I am standing in front of my house now. All the lights inside are off. I don’t know how I got here. The stars were closer again, I remember that. It hadn’t happened for a long while. A part of me thought it would never happen again. Like an old friend I worried had forgotten about me. Seeing them filled me with excitement. Then there were papers on the table, dishes drying on the rack. I was excited, anxious, couldn’t stay still. I never told them about the stars before. I was always just a disappointment, so I thought it wasn’t worth sharing. Not until tonight. The stars were close again and I needed my parents to know. But they didn’t get excited when I told them about the stars. They just looked at me, neither speaking a word until my father stood up. He towered over me, though I was sure I was already taller than him. He took my arm, the first time he had touched me in some time, and his grip was strong, as though it would never let go. It hurt, and the pain grew as his hand turned white, his nails starting to dig into my skin, but only just so. Only enough to hurt, but not enough to leave anything in such a visible spot. That was always the trick. As he held my arm, I thought to hug him but then the look on his face told me what it always told me, and I knew they needed to see the stars for themselves. That I wasn’t enough for them. That my truth, could never be their truth. Not until they saw the stars with their own eyes.

And then the stars were there with me. With us. In the house. No longer in the sky, in space, where they belonged. My parents saw them get closer and brighter and we burned together as a family. I didn’t see disappointment in his eyes anymore. And my mother grew taller and bigger as she took me in her arms. Showed my father that she did not think I was a disappointment. And the dog loped around, sniffing the air, and wagging its tail, moving as if he were young again.

Now, I’m on the grass. Alone. The stars back in the sky. I want to stay here, on the lawn, the moisture clinging to my pants. To wait for the stars to get closer in the sky. Maybe when they come again, I can go with them. So that I don’t have to go back inside to the darkened house. The pair on the kitchen floor, their arms outspread.

I touched her cooling face, placed my hand upon it as I laid down next to her. I couldn’t look into her eyes, unblinking and greying. They were no longer her eyes. No longer her skin I touched. She was gone, like the stars. Maybe with the stars. I stood up and my father was below me. He never seemed so small as when I stood over him. The tiles of the floor underneath his body faded and worn. Making him even smaller. I felt scared at this change. At how quickly he switched from something I feared to something so inconsequential. Space dust. In his lighter hair, I saw the years that had passed. That time reflected even in the wrinkles of my own hands as I held them out above him—splashes of red I washed off after—as though readying a prayer. But I spoke no words and I turned and walked towards the door, taking care to step over the old dog, no longer tired and in pain. At rest upon the deep, frayed carpet. I left the door open as I moved outside, my eyes already on the stars, ready to touch them.

I lay upon the grass with the world pressing upwards against me. As if offering me to the sky. Night air, cold on my face, as gravity lets go of me and I float towards the upper reaches of the atmosphere and into space. Where the stars wait for me.

About Ian Campbell

Ian Campbell is a writer and has a BA in English, with a Creative Writing emphasis, from Cal State East Bay. Currently, he is reviewing MFA programs. Ian is a Case Manager and works with adults with developmental disabilities. Sometimes his sense of humor is so dry that he has to go back and explain things to those that have actually believed something he has just said in jest. This reflects more upon himself than it does upon them, he assures you.

Star of the East

By Edward Sheehy

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Cheryl’s kid fusses nonstop the whole way down to Roanoke. I yell at Justin to shut-up, but then Cheryl starts in on me for screaming at her kid. You’re not his father, she scolds.  Lucky for Justin. I’m so angry that I got right on the bumper of a slow-moving car in the left-hand lane and let him have my brights until he moved over. People like that have no business on the highway.

Anyway, I blame my short temper on the fact that I’m tired. We’d got a late start on the drive from Middleburg. I live rent-free in a converted loft in a horse barn in exchange for doing odd jobs around the farm. I’d met Cheryl at the Supercuts hair salon and we hit it off immediately. Since then, she’d been handing Justin to a babysitter two or three times a week while we roll in the hay at my place. She’d asked me to drive her to Roanoke to visit her mother and sibs over Christmas as her hand slid over my belt buckle. I couldn’t say no.

It was after midnight when we finally arrive at her mom’s house. Unfortunately, Cheryl’s brothers and sisters had already staked claim to the spare bedrooms and sofas. Luckily, I find us a room at a Motel 8. I grumble about laying out sixty bucks for a room when I thought we were staying gratis at the house. Cheryl calls me cheap and gives me the silent treatment on the drive to her mom’s. When we arrive, I say that I needed to go out for cigarettes and will be right back.

That’s when I detour to Mill Mountain to see the Roanoke Star during the daytime. I saw it last night from twenty miles distant as we rolled into town. On Christmas Eve night, the white star burned bright as a beacon for all wise men, pilgrims, and truckers. The radio blared good tidings to all:

Hark! The Herald Angels sing,
Glory to the new-born King;

Surprisingly, the parking lot at the summit is full. I’d hoped for a little peace and quiet on Christmas day, so I can figure a few things out. Like my next move. Middleburg is horse and hunt country for the super-rich, but job prospects for a handyman with a high school degree are scarce, unless working at The Gap for ten dollars an hour sounds good to you. It didn’t to me. I need a ton of cash money, now. My father keeps pushing me to enroll in that HVAC  school that guarantees a job when you graduate. But I’m thinking of moving to Las Vegas. Someone at a bar said blackjack dealers make a 100 thou with tips. Then again, I’ve got a million other options. Actually, too many options. What if I choose wrong? I’m sick of being broke and starting over again, one shit job after another. As Cheryl constantly reminds me: I’m going nowhere fast.

On the plus side, it’s a spectacular Christmas day. The temperature hovers at 70 degrees. Cumulus clouds float and fold into fantastic shapes. A light breeze morphs a man with a beard into a walrus with wings.

Turkey buzzards ride the thermals, hovering in place, then wheel in great looping arcs. There must be something dead in the valley. Road kill, no doubt. The horizon is broken by the knobs and humps of the Blue Ridge mountains that rise and fall like swells in a gray winter ocean.

The Roanoke Star is a huge metal beast. The neon-tubed contraption rises 88 feet high and perched atop Mill Mountain at over 1,000 feet is visible from 60 miles away. A plaque at the base proclaims it as the largest, free-standing, man-made, illuminated star in the world. Really? Are other cities competing to see who can build the largest piece of neon crap? As I stand there craning my neck, I think about building the largest middle finger to a world that has fucked me over since high school.

I drive back to Cheryl’s mom’s house—a split-level rambler in a development of identical ramblers as if the house was reflected in an infinity mirror. Cheryl’s brothers and sisters and spouses huddle on the deck, knocking back Wild Turkey shooters, getting a jump on the festivities to come.

I duck into one of the bedrooms and change into my running shorts and shoes. I ran cross country in high school and find it to be great stress reliever. And boy do I have major stress right now. Cheryl meets me in the doorway, gripping a red plastic cup. Right away, I smell the whiskey on her breath. From her sour expression, I can tell that she is still pissed that I yelled at Justin or something else that I did or did not do or forgot to do or should have done. I tell her I’m going running to blow off some steam. She turns without a word and heads back to the deck.

It’s a ten-minute drive to Victory stadium in downtown Roanoke. A sign says that the stadium’s name was intended as a rallying cry for Allied victory in World War II.  In its heyday, Victory Stadium hosted the annual Thanksgiving Day game between Virginia Tech and Virginia Military Institute as well as hundreds of high school football championships. But today, the stadium is a sad hulk of its former self. Ghostly shouts of glories past echo and fade in the trash strewn concourse.

The cinder track at Victory stadium circles a neglected football field. After my sixth lap, I notice a pack of kids on the inside lanes of the track up ahead. A man stands to the side with a stopwatch. On a signal from the man, the pack takes off at a leisurely jog. 

The pack consists of six teenagers in various shapes and sizes. A tall kid with a buzz cut leads the runners. Buzz is my height, maybe sixteen years old, but skinny as a rail, all arms and legs. I run alongside him and taunt him to pick up the pace. Come on, can’t you beat an old man! Come on, wimp! Can’t you run any faster. Wimp!

Buzz ignores me, so I break off, and leave him in my dust. The next lap around, the pack and the man with the stopwatch have vanished. As I walk toward the parking lot, I notice a door underneath the bleachers spray painted with the name Victory Gym. Seems odd that a gym would be open on Christmas, but what the heck, I wouldn’t mind pumping some iron now that I got my heart rate up.

Inside the door is a blackboard on which someone has chalked: Fear is not an option. It’s a dim, low-ceiling room with folding chairs facing a boxing ring.  The cramped gym smells of sweat and leather. Two small kids, wearing protective headgear and groin protectors, spar in the ring. The man I saw on the track with the stopwatch referees the match.

I grab a seat and watch the bout. The kids punch wildly, but mostly hit air. After a minute or so, the ref stops the bout. The kids touch gloves in the center of the ring and climb down through the ropes.

Next up in the ring is a tall skinny kid wearing the protective gear. It’s the kid I teased on the track— Buzz!

The ref leans over the ropes and says to me, hey pal, wanna help out? I don’t have a sparring partner for this tall fella. Just one round. Whaddaya say? Just for fun.

I look closer at Buzz. My first impression of all skin and bone now looks more like lean muscle. He rolls his shoulders and bounces on the balls of his feet. Why should I waste time getting in a ring with this punk? I start to beg off, when Buzz says, come on old man! What are you…a wimp?

I turn my head and the blackboard sign comes into view again: Fear is not an option.

Ok punk, you asked for it. 

I climb in the ring. The coach helps me don the protective gear. The 16-ounce training gloves are well padded, like I’m wearing air bags strapped to my hands. So nobody gets hurt, the ref says. Just spar a little, you know, nothing serious. Have fun.

There’s that word fun again.

I’ve never boxed before in my life. I think of the boxing movies I’ve seen, and how the boxers danced and held their gloves. How hard can it be? The coach brings us together in the center of the ring to touch gloves, then says Go!

In a heartbeat, Buzz is all over me. Punching my headgear, and landing blows against my arms and chest. I outweigh him, so I push him back, but he springs forward with a flurry of one-two combinations. As Buzz advances with jabs and hooks, I raise my gloves in front of my face. I backpedal, but my legs are like dead weights from running laps. I gasp for breath, barely able to hold up my arms.

I counterpunch, but Buzz flicks it off. The blood rush to my ears deadens the sound of leather smacks against my headgear. Sweat stings my eyes. I can barely see the barrage of blows. I clinch to staunch the onslaught but Buzz rocks me with an uppercut. He taunts me: come on, wimp! I roar with frustration, my arms flailing like a pinwheel, but Buzz dances out of reach, then connects with a hard cross that snaps my head back.

How long is a damn round? Two, three minutes? It seems like an eternity. Finally, the ref calls time, and I let down my guard, and that’s when Buzz lands a solid right to the side of my headgear, staggering me against the ropes. My rubbery legs buckle. The kids in the front row squeal with glee: KO! KO! KO!

Bastard! A cheap shot to embarrass me in front of his friends. In a blind rage, I charge forward but the ref pushes me back. It’s over, go back to your corner. The ref admonishes Buzz for the late hit and tells him to apologize. Buzz mumbles ‘sorry’ but the smirk on his face tells me otherwise. My eyes follow Buzz until he disappears into a locker room.

Seething with anger, I strip off the gear, wobble out to the car, and head back to the house.  The party is going full blast. Cars and motorcycles are parked on the lawn. Raucous laughter and ZZ Top reverberate off the walls. A haze of home-grown Kush hangs in the air. I elbow my way through the crowded living room and into the kitchen when I find a half gallon jug of Wild Turkey. I pour a generous slug in a plastic cup and throw it back to numb the pounding I took from Buzz. White lights snake across the deck. A keg is balanced on a picnic table and I fill my cup with the foamy brew.

Long hairs in denim jackets and motorcycle boots jam the deck. Bodies sway to the Texas boogie while the deck timbers creak and groan. Tomorrow’s headline flashes before my eyes: Deck Collapse Kills 20. Christmas Party Turns Deadly.

The sun drops behind the foothills and the air turns cool. I feel a chill and decidedly out of place in my thin nylon shorts and tank top. Through a momentary break in the wall of people, I glimpse Cheryl on a guy’s lap in a serious lip lock.

My sparring match with Buzz infused me with a confidence in boxing skills I never knew I had. Or maybe it’s the Wild Turkey. Either way, I fantasize about punching the guy in the mouth. Except this dude is bigger than that scrawny kid in the gym. Convinced I could take this guy if I really wanted to, but figure why cause a scene and ruin a party. Disgusted, I push my way through the throng and peel out in the Mustang.

I haven’t eaten in a while, so I pull into a Git ‘n Go and grab a six-pack and a slice of heat lamp pizza. The thought of Cheryl making out with that dude gnaws at me. I should go back and punch his lights out. Boy, would Cheryl be surprised, even impressed that her jealous boyfriend stood up for himself for once in his pathetic life. I’m going back! I swear to god! I’m gonna do it!

As I’m standing in line, imagining my knock-out punch, a little unsteady from Wild Turkey and beer on an empty stomach, I notice a tall skinny teen-ager buying chips and a liter of cola. It’s the punk who sucker punched me in the Victory gym. Buzz!

Thoughts of avenging my honor with Cheryl evaporate as I focus now on Buzz. Fear is not an option, eh? Well, I’ll put the fear of god in him. In the parking lot, Buzz straddles a red scooter. The engine kicks over with an electric purr. As soon as he is on the highway, I ditch the slice and trail the scooter at a discrete distance. I pop a can and guzzle it with one hand on the wheel, then another. I inch the Mustang close to the scooter’s rear wheel, blast the horn, and let Buzz feel my turbo breathing down his neck. Now who’s the wimp?

Buzz speeds up. What a joke. Does he really think a scooter can outrun the 350 horses under my hood? A straightaway on a two-lane stretch gives me an opening to pull into the passing lane and draw even with the scooter. I power down the passenger window and when Buzz looks over, I hold his gaze. I know he recognizes me as I flip him the bird. A glint of metal catches my eye. An oncoming car—closing fast. Buzz on my right, a wall of trees on my left. No escape. My bowels loosen. I’m about to have a head on collision. Just then, Buzz slows the scooter enough to allow me to slide over, narrowly avoiding two tons of steel blurring past my line of vision. 

I glance in the rearview. The scooter fishtails. Buzz somersaults over the handlebars and faceplants onto the pavement. Horrified, I pull onto the shoulder and suck deep breaths to calm myself. It was an accident. I never touched him. Not my fault Buzz lost control. The Mustang pushes ninety as I slam the pedal to the metal.

* * *

Another late start and we’re headed back to Middleburg, at last. The trip has been a disaster, to say the least. Justin fidgets in the back seat with an electronic toy while Cheryl stares absently out the window, hardly saying a word. I’ve avoided confronting Cheryl about making-out with the dude on the deck. A sense of foreboding nags me but I can’t put my finger on it, like the warning aura some people get before a migraine attack. 

Then out of the blue, Justin starts up, mommy, mommy, look at the star, why is the star red mommy? In the rearview, I see that the star on Mill Mountain is lit up in red neon. Cheryl turns in her seat and patiently explains they light up the star in red anytime someone dies in a traffic accident and as soon as the words leave her mouth I reimagine Buzz splattered on the asphalt.

Cheryl continues to comfort Justin. We’ll say a prayer for whoever it was when we get home tonight, sweetie.

An hour passes, and Justin finally conks out. Cheryl slumps in the passenger seat, her head nestled in a pillow. In the rearview, I can still see the red star on Mill Mountain—which is impossible since we’re over a hundred miles from Roanoke! Must be one of those afterimages that burn into the eyeballs even though the object is no longer in view.

The Mustang cruises steady at 70 in light traffic, but the red star hasn’t moved from my mirror. Then a single headlight comes up on my tail, and flicks on a high beam, bathing the interior in a ghastly white brilliance. I disengage cruise and press the accelerator. The speedometer creeps up to 80, 90, 95. The headlight stays right on my bumper. And then I get another afterimage. This time, it’s all battered limbs and a buzz cut in mad pursuit.

My attention is glued to the headlight riding my tail, so when I glance up, it is just in time to see a giant red star emblazoned on the back end of a tractor trailer. I jam the brakes. Tires squeal and the car skids to a halt inches from the rear end of the trailer. Although strapped in, we are thrust forward by the braking force, then jerked backward as the car lurches to a stop. Jolted awake, Cheryl screams at me: what the hell are you doing?

My hands tremble. I don’t know, I think someone, uh, was chasing me. Then the truck in front of me suddenly braked. Cheryl’s face contorts into a mask of hysteria. Are you trying to kill us? What truck? There’s not another goddamn car on the road. Did you fall asleep?

I don’t know, I don’t know, I stammer between sobs, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

Get out Cheryl huffs, I’m driving. We switch seats and Cheryl adjusts the bucket seat and we’re off again. Desperate for a cigarette I pat myself for the pack. Cheryl sideyes me and snarls don’t smoke in the car. After a few minutes, she fiddles with the FM.  A church choir comes on and Cheryl lets it play out:

Star of the East, thou hope of the soul

Oh star that leads to God above

Who’s rays are peace and joy and love

Watch o’er us still till life hath ceased

Beam on, bright star, sweet Bethlehem star

I glance at the passenger side mirror. And there it is again, the Roanoke star, glowing like a red hot branding iron, my soul forever seared with remorse and shame.

About Edward Sheehy

Edward Sheehy is a writer living in Minneapolis. His short stories have appeared in The Write Launch, an online literary magazine (2019) and in an anthology, Lake Street Stories, published by Flexible Press (2018). Dog Ear Publishing released his novel, Cade’s Rebellion, also in 2018. Forthcoming in 2020, a short story in Frontier Tales (online) and two poems in Jerry Jazz Magazine (online). Read more at: www.edwardsheehy.com.

Issue #12 March 2020

“There is no motivation higher than being a good writer.” – Tom Wolfe

March 2020 Issue
Click to download your copy

Isn’t that the truth!

When talking with other writers, it is always fun to hear what motivates them to keep writing. Nonfiction writers tell me that they want to share their life experiences to comfort those going through the same thing. Or they say they want to educate the masses and bring awareness to a subject that they care deeply about.

Fiction authors are ambitious and creating a situation, world, fantasy language, and scenarios from scratch is truly amazing. How can you not be motivated enough to share something you came up with all on your own? Not to mention getting an agent, a deal with a major publisher, and who knows, a movie deal! Think about how many authors have their book catch the eye of a studio executive and hit the big screen not long after the book hits the shelves.

At the beginning of this year, many in the writing community set out to get published. We love to hear that! As with many New Year’s resolutions, some tend to fizzle out around this time. The Book Smuggler’s Den is so happy to see all the authors that took a leap of faith and submitted their short stories, essays, and poems to publications all over the US and the world.

To all of those who submitted this month, I can see the motivation of achieving your goals for getting published and published again. Thank you for showing our audience what motivation really looks like.

Happy writing,
Dani & The Book Smuggler’s Den Community

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Fiction

Brain Comes Home, Charles Joseph Albert

The Unfaithful, Ila Das

The Bachelor, S.B. Edwards

The Outpost, James Garrison

Fanta Scented Love, Niranjana Hariharanandanan

California Baroque, Adair McPherson

The Chair in the Garden, Drew Alexander Ross

Poetry

Earth Children, Shelby Adams

Another Kind of Redness, John Grey

Frigg Speaks, Laura Theis

When Trees Dream, Daniel Haskin

Book Reviews

Pantheon by Eric Syrdal

The Unfaithful

By Ila Das

Ila Das

Kirti, actually residing in the small town of Meerut, comes for the interview of a job in Delhi, the big capital city of India. Ravi, heading the interview panel, is charmed by her, as usual. Managing a neutral demeanor selects her and as per rule, she has to join in seven days’ time.

She confesses that she has recently delivered a baby and would like an extension of the joining time. Bounded by rules of employment, Ravi politely declines her request. But he remains in touch with her, adding her to his list of innumerable girlfriends. His allure to lust is like addiction to dope, you can neither get away from it nor have enough of it.

Ravi keeps going to Meerut on the pretext of work and visits her family often. He becomes close to them.

~~~~~

After a few years, Kirti’s husband Jai is transferred to Delhi. Ravi offers him his two-bedroom house to stay until he makes alternate arrangements. Kirti and her two toddler kids continue staying in Meerut due to Kirti being employed there.

During one of his regular weekend visits to Meerut to meet his family, Jai invites Ravi and his wife Isha to join him there for the weekend. This is the first time that Isha visits their home.

Their house in Meerut is a small accommodation allotted to the employees, containing two bedrooms. Isha ignores the clutter and messy rooms as she understands how difficult it is to keep the house in order with two kids to manage single-handedly. She has gone through that phase.

Ravi feels tired, places his colossal ass on the edge of the bed and keeps groaning of body ache developed during the long strenuous journey on road. His wife is surprised to see Kirti massage his bareback and shoulder to relieve his pain. Should she overlook this fact? If massage is a necessity why could Kirti’s husband not do it or why could Ravi not ask his own wife to do it?

Night arrived, spreading all its ink on the outside. More shock came when the sleeping arrangement for the night is announced by Kirti. Kirti and her younger son in the middle with Ravi and his wife on either side while Kirti’s husband sleeps in the other room with their elder son; the reason being given that it is comfortable for Ravi’s wife to be on the side as she has to go to the washroom frequently.

Why could not the entire room be given to the guest couple? Should Isha sleep off the act as a trivial issue or remain a watchdog for the entire weary moonless night? Isha’s body, fatigued by now, compelled her to settle for the former. “The lady must be either too innocent or too gutsy,” she thought in gathering disbelief and felt annoyed. She tries to give the benefit of doubt to Kirti, knowing well the distasteful ways of her husband.

~~~~~

Back to Delhi, it’s a bright sunny morning torching its rays all over the already hot and humid city. Isha borrows her husband’s phone to talk to her son as her phone had some connectivity problems. When her conversation is over, a message from Kirti pops on the screen. Inquisitiveness overcomes her moral ethics of not viewing else’s messages and she opens the message. She is stunned to find a plethora of messages exchanged between her husband and Kirti on daily basis, or it may be rightly summarized as almost on an hourly basis every day.

Kirti is certainly not the dimwit she appeared to be. Does Kirti’s husband know this or he is unaware of this. Maybe he is aware, as he never objected to his wife sleeping with another married man in his house in Meerut. In case he is aware, what a shabby drama being enacted by the couple. The only reason Isha could think of is to take advantage of Ravi’s weakness for women and use his influential position in the industry to come to Delhi.

Isha is reminded of an instance wherein Jai did request Ravi to reconsider his wife for a position in his office so that they both can settle at one place and what place better than Delhi, where he is already presently employed.

Isha fights through the hubbub of her mind and settles for a quiet and calm countenance as this was not a new incident.

~~~~~

It is one week past the incident. Suddenly Isha overhears that Kirti is coming to Delhi with her kids to spend kids’ vacation time with their dad. The doom arrives at the scheduled time and the family occupies the bedroom of Ravi and Ravi and Isha sleep in the second bedroom.

Ravi and Isha have constraints in their marital relationship since the time Isha discovered his multiple affairs and thwarted his ardent approaches. They had been sleeping in separate bedrooms and such trivial incidents that force them to sleep together to show-off the world does little to spark any interest between them. Their platonic relationship was not a simple wrinkle that could be ironed out with time and effort.

However, strangely enough, Ravi makes a temporary arrangement for the guest couple to stay in the adjacent vacant flat of his friend who is away on an office trip out of town.

Jai and his family shift to the house the next day. The day after, immediately when Jai leaves for his office, Ravi rushes to the house where the family has shifted. Ravi’s wife now understands the reason for shifting the family to the nearby house despite space being available in their own house for a comfortable stay. How she wished the house to be wired with cables running like tapeworms with their mouths ending in cameras. A chintzy thought indeed!

What trash her husband is. Don’t the women understand his motives or are they an equal participant in this felony.

~~~~~

It is a pleasant Saturday morning with an unpleasant medical condition for Isha. She is having severe diarrhea while her husband continued having a more pleasant rendezvous with another woman.

He informs her that they all are going to Mathura and if Isha would like to join them. Isha was certain that even if she was fit and fine, she would definitely not go anywhere with Ravi accompanied by any of his girlfriends. She loathed the ‘Who the heck are you’ sentiment meted to her on such occasions.

She tries to avoid, giving the excuse of her upset tummy, but Ravi desperately tries to woo her to go with them. When he fails, Kirti approaches her, the one who was otherwise not talking to her.

Isha could not understand why the two were wanting her to go with them when both did not even bother to wish her on the New Year day when they were busy boosting their happiness index. Maybe the duo wanted to put a moral stamp to their ‘so-called-friendly’ relationship projected to the society by having the presence of the wife or maybe they wanted the wife to take care of the kids when they go merrymaking.

After refusing to go with them, Isha sinks into her lonely self once more. Trying to nurse herself out of her illness, she expected at least a call back from her husband enquiring about her health. As usual, he fails to meet her expectations again. How she hated being right all the time, much to her chagrin.

~~~~~

It is a festival day, Lohri. Ravi asks his wife if she wishes to attend the Lohri party. She did not want to go to any place where Kirti would go. What a second-hand treatment she gets on such outings. So she points blankly refuses.

“You are making yourself sad this way”, Ravi educates Isha.

“Do I look sad?” Isha displays a manic grin, wringing her cold bitten dry hands, lolling on her recliner.

“You don’t have to look sad to be sad. And don’t think I need you to accompany me. I can do without you.”

“That’s no news. Here’s the deal. The day you need me, I will accompany you.” Isha crinkles her pitch-black crescent moon shaped eyebrows.

Ravi brushes his callused hand through the little white hair cropped on the edge of his otherwise bald head and gives a dour expression.

“O Ok. I need you then right now,” Ravi beseeched.

“See, how you change colors,” Isha retorts, without being amused by his wry sense of humor.

The fact thus confirms that Isha’s presence was only required for public show-offs. Ravi proved to be an ideal euphemism for infidelity.

~~~~~

Throughout the period Kirti was staying in Delhi, Ravi was sleeping on the couch of the drawing-room instead of his own bed. It was difficult to figure out why? The exit door was always kept open, maybe to ease the entry of Kirti without disturbing the inmate or the neighbors. Ravi used to sleep nude under the quilt despite it being the coldest and chilliest days of winter. So much for the ease of the shabby act.

The day Kirti left Delhi, Ravi was back to his bed, exit door closed and the process of wearing warmers while going to sleep restored. Wasn’t everything so obvious? But who cares.

~~~~~

When Kirti had visited Delhi, she bought a door hanging décor and put it on the front door without even taking permission of Isha as if it was her premises. When she left Isha removed it and put it away.

Finding the décor missing Jai informs Ravi who in turn enquires his wife. Isha says that she has put it away. Ravi at that moment did not tell anything, but the next day, Ravi himself hangs it back. Isha feels the same embarrassment that she had experienced in her teens when her breasts budded first and her periods came last.

Ravi becomes belligerent and has a big fight with Isha. Accosting Isha, he warns her that it is his house and he can hang anything he desired-or do anything he wants. He threatens Isha not to interfere in his life as long as it does not hinder her own wellbeing, which he takes good care of.

Isha becomes taciturn and sits in her empty room crying as if her timorous heart is hurt by a shard choking her lungs filled with clouds. Harpoons of pain renewed. A burning sensation rips its way up to the roof of her mouth causing heartburn literally. How she wished she could get rid of the pain from the cage of her mind but the stubborn soreness does not seem to leave her side, like tenants who refuse to budge and be evicted from their home.

Should she leave her husband? Then she calms down and thinks reasonably. All his girlfriends want exactly that to happen so that they can further invade his space.

Why is she disturbed if she actually does not have any relationship with him? Does she unknowingly love him? Impossible. At least he has not done anything ever to invoke such feelings in her and she had a tormented past with him, though Ravi does give her all luxuries of life minus love.

Marriage is certainly not a certificate of love, but a practice of compromises and negotiations, where both parties finally forget who is who. It is inflicted with lies and deceits where finally the lies eventually turn true.

Isha had become an expert in suppressing her desires with muted indifference and detachment. She had become an able captain of the great ship of matrimony that slowly makes headway through the turbulent waters of crisis. Welcome to the club where oblivion is free.

~~~~~

Come June and the only resort one can think of escaping the unbearable soaring temperatures of the hottest month is to restrict oneself to the cool indoors. Come June and it’s also the one and a half to two months summer vacation for school-going children. Come June and Kirti lands in Delhi with her kids’ et al.

Isha gets the hint when she observes her husband getting busy with housekeeping activities of the other apartment. How she wished he had set the same behavior for her. She was praying that let anyone but that bitch come but her prayers go unanswered.

~~~~~

Isha returns from the office to find many things missing in her room and stuffs disheveled. The next day she locks her room and goes.

As anticipated, Kirti complains to Ravi who in turn tells his wife not to lock her door as the kids watch television which is installed in her room. She tells Ravi to take away the television and fix it in their room.

“Kids should be taught to live in whatever situation comes one’s way. Did I not live in one room with our kids with no TV or any other entertainment media?”

“OK, I want to watch TV, so keep the room open for me.”

“Since when have you started watching TV leaving your office work in the day time? Also, you already have a more interesting live erotic TV performance in the neighboring house. Your toothpaste and towel have also shifted there. Why do you need to see the program in my TV room?”

Anyway trying not to confront any further, she opens the room and goes to the office. It was obvious, they needed a separate diversion for kids to carry out their own engagements without any interference.

~~~~~

Memories flood Isha’s mind like a treadmill, giving it a lot of exercise without actually taking it anywhere; a kind of epiphany-seen-through-flashbacks. The bitter incidents turn Isha from a Virgin Mary drinker to Blood Mary. Life does not always come bubble wrapped with happiness.

Twenty-five years back when she already had left him, with her small kids in her possession, she was living a life of struggle totally concentrating on her kids. It was only three years back that Ravi and Isha were living together due to an accidental posting of Ravi to Delhi. Ravi insisted Isha to stay with him so as to project a good marital life to the outside world. She decided to let bygones be bygones.

She did find this new life full of comfort and at least she would not feel lonely, now that her kids have grown and moved out. The only thing she needed to be in charge was not to let such fraught incidents bother her. She decided to hence take charge of HERSELF living rightfully with her legally wed husband, though with no actual wife rights. She decided to not worry about not being the darling of his life.

For the past few years, her husband’s flings did not bother her, perhaps because it was ‘out of sight out of mind’ thing. Presently, the dirty incidents happening right in front of her do bother her; she is human after all. The ‘sight’ thing was beyond her control, but the mind was hers and she needed to exercise control on this. That should not be difficult. Time has made her a strong survivor after all.

~~~~~

The evening is searing and sultry and gloomy. But the expression on Ravi’s face seemed to beat the miserable weather. With melancholy stamped prominently on his face, Ravi informs his wife that Jai has resigned from his job in Delhi to join a better job in Meerut.

The news catapults Isha to cloud nine. Her inner happiness knew no bounds; though her outer self confidently displayed a false glumness. Was this God’s blissful answer to her prayers? Strange and unpredictable are the ways of the Almighty to settle scores.

She utters a small ‘thank you’ prayer silently: Jai Sai Ram.

~~~~~

Ten years back…..

It was the time when she lived a separate life with kids in her possession but never objected to the children meeting their dad or grandparents. She felt that it was not justified to snatch the rights of her children just because she had a problem with her husband.

Ravi casually asks Isha whether she is interested in a trip to Maldives with kids. He also informs that one of his friends Madhavi and her kids will also be joining them. He was hoping the answer to be negative.

Isha has learned her lessons well. She realizes that her ‘NO’s worked in favor of her husband. He enjoys life and when she complains, he reminds her that it was she who did not want to go on a holiday giving the excuse of her kids’ studies or so on and so forth. Or a NO when he tries to buy her something costly boots him out with the same justification. She avoids buying to save some money only to find that the money has already been spent on others. So it’s always a YES from her for such forthcoming proposals from her damn husband, who most of the time takes a twist and turn to avoid committing when the expected NO turns for a YES.

Isha knows Madhavi as her husband’s senior college friend who is addressed as DIDI (an elder sister) by both of them. Recently Madhavi lost her husband and Isha felt it was ok for her to join as an outing will do her good. Little did Isha know what was in store for her and never anticipated that her presence would only exacerbate her problem.

~~~~~

Maldives is genuinely a paradise on planet earth. This lowest-lying country in the world is surrounded by vivid coral reefs and powder-white beaches. This atoll nation is 99% bounded by the crystal clear blue waters of the ocean that is home to spectacular species of turtles, whales, and dolphins. Anyone here can have a soul-soothing experience of his life, indulging in adventurous snorkeling and scuba diving activities. For the less active people of my category, the picturesque sight is enough to generate the same excitement and vigor.

Madhavi is the only swimmer in the group. And she offers to help the rest give a lesson in swimming which was immediately agreed upon by Ravi. Isha, who had always been scared of venturing in deep waters, politely declines.

Ravi in his scantily-clad trunk floats flat in the arms of strikingly sexy Madhavi, dressed in a two-piece bikini, that reveals her ample amount of nipples. Her luminous skin gleamed under the sun rays like an abandoned art piece in its fallow state. The two semi-nude Indians seem to love getting fluids all over each other with middling enthusiasm.

Isha does feel uncomfortable with the sight, but let it go. We give her a sisterly treatment, she consoles herself. The only sight that bothers her was no sign of any emotional breakdown that generally follows a spouse death, especially one whom you are in love with.

The clear morning sky soon transitions into the mellow night with stars twinkling in the crystal clear firmament. The morning activities at the beach and other sightseeing ordeals leave each one of us longing for early retirement to bed.

Their stay is in a two-bedroom AirBnB residential unit. Sleeping arrangements are meticulously planned so that Madhavi sleeps with her daughter in one bedroom, Isha takes the second bedroom with her son and Ravi decides to take the floor mattress of the open drawing-room, overlooking the common toilet. He has Madhavi’s son for the company.

At around 4am, Isha gets up to go to the toilet and the intertwined almost nude bodies of Madhavi and Ravi in the drawing-room stuns her. They are not even aware of a kid boy sleeping near them. Unable to bear the shameless act, Isha makes feeble noise to alert them to stop their clandestine deed. This is not her first brush with Ravi’s extramarital affairs, but certainly ‘Seeing is believing’.

The next day begins as usual as if nothing happened. Living apart from her husband for a long time has made Isha deterrent of such incidents. Maybe the absence of love and caring in the relationship has in a way made her carefree and unpossessed.

For her, marriage is just an amalgamation of custom and circumstance, a matter of a culture and a couple, arranged by their elders. Their legal bond is formalized by a mere convention and not passion. She knows that their nuptial was neither marriage nor this holiday an outing.

The only times she feels frustrated are the occasions when she sees loving couples at a party or holiday. How she wished she had an assuring hand to hold on to, a warm hug to cajole her in tough times, a patient ear to hear or a hobby to share.

~~~~~

The holiday ends. The group lands at Mumbai airport.

Ravi dumps his family of three in a three-wheeled auto-rickshaw, huge luggage of three suitcases included. Isha sits in a cramped position for the one hour journey to the railway station, the traffic crawling like snail. Stationing them on the platform, he is about to rush off when Isha retorts, “Where are you going now?”

“To bring Madhavi and her family here.”

“What? If they were to come to the same place, why the hell you did not take a big cab and bring everyone in one trip?

Are you not aware of Mumbai traffic? Another one hour of your going and a minimum of another hour of your coming back will make us miss our train.”

“Don’t worry. I will be back soon.”

Isha broods in her mind about her eccentric lust-driven husband who managed to callously drop his family off to have some exclusive time with his mistress in the way. She is to get back to Delhi and her train is due to come in an hour’s time while her kid is to accompany their dad to Ahmedabad as it was his school vacation time and their train had a comfortable time margin to depart.

The Delhi train arrives in time and with no sign of her husband in sight, Isha decides not to board the train. Clasping the little hand of her son, anger and disappointment cloud her mind.

The mad crowd of the platform, the shrill shout of the hawkers and vendors inviting the attention of prospective buyers, the push of the hurrying passengers could make anyone go insane in the almost three hours that go by.

Finally, Ravi arrives with his troupe and has no sense of guilt.

“Why did you not board your train?”

“What do you mean? How could I leave my baby boy alone?

“O, nothing would have happened? I was coming after all”

“How irresponsible of you.”

“Ok, forget it. We will get down at Madhavi’s station which comes en-route to Ahmedabad and I will make your flight ticket to Delhi from there.”

“You ought to do that. But who is Madhavi to me that I have to get down at her station? Sorry, no. My in-laws stay in Ahmedabad and I am not getting down anywhere else.”

“Ravi, don’t make a scene here now at a public place. You all go to Ahmedabad. Don’t worry about me. I will manage. Man proposes, God disposes,” ripostes Madhavi, batting her kohl-lined long eyelashes.

Isha counters in her mind, “what a slut?”

~~~~~

Twenty years back…..

Ravi introduces Isha to his friend Ashmita. Ashmita is first time widowed and second time divorced school time friend of Ravi, presently staying with her widowed mother.

Isha is new in town and Ashmita offers her to show her around and they both develop a camaraderie.

They frequently visit each other’s house and Isha could never in her remotest dream think that her husband may be having an affair with the lady until the day his phone keeps ringing loud for a long time when he was taking shower.

Isha, seeing Ashmita online, receives the call to find a nervous voice disconnecting with the remark ‘sorry, wrong number’. Inquisitiveness overtook Isha’s mind who blatantly opened Ashmita’s mailbox and found the two had been exchanging many love messages over a period of a long time.

She avoided confrontation with her husband as she feared his rash temper. An act of spying on another’s phone is certainly not a commendable act. She had already been a victim of his violent behavior due to his rage.

She found it wise to step out of the house in a respectable way with her kids in custody. There was no legal process of divorce involved, but an unwritten separation wherein she moved into her parental home but never disallowed Ravi to come and meet his kids whenever he wished.

About Ila Das

Ila Das is professionally an Engineer from India, with a creative personality, having dabbled in acting, music, and voice over. Her short stories are featured in ‘Bethlehem Writers Roundtable’ and ‘Trivia Mundi’. Simplicity, of narration and portraying real-life situations with women-centric characters in a lucid language is her forte. She loves dreamy romantic stories and heartwarming tales that make you believe in the wonders of life. Her themes generally include women’s issues. Her published book, ‘O(h)FFICE’ is available on: Publishing, BookRix, Amazon. Her micro-short horror stories are included in Nano Nightmares, now available on Amazon.

Frigg Speaks

By Laura Theis

Laura Theis

Sometimes at my most invisible and flattened
an image comes and visits me:
I see a warrior queen on a white antlered colt
riding towards me. Her face is fierceness itself
as if, unlike mine, it had never composed itself into
a smile meant to placate someone in a position of power.

Her shawl trails the emerald light
of northern deep-winter skies.
Her breasts armour-plated as if
they belong to her only.
Her hair carries ice winds as harsh as a fact that
should not have been ignored in the first place.

As she looms closer I am tempted to kneel
but this is not what she wants me to do.
She wants me standing tall as she puts me into her palm, lifts me
straight to her geyser-grey eyes. She looks at me in silence
before she speaks with a voice of burning mountains,
a lava flow levelling whatever it meets.

Mortal woman she says
if you wish to pray to me pray
by balling your hands into fists. Pray by knowing your strength
and by roaring your name in a storm.
Pray by holding your head high and saying your truth
that ice is not ice if it’s magma, you hear?
You would do well to remember your place,
which is never down on the floor.
She leaves me then, taller than I was, un-hunched.

One of these days I am hoping to visit her island,
to learn how to howl on her black beaches, her lava fields,
over the crash of her waterfalls. To dance on her streams like Hófvarpnir,
to climb her volcanoes and howl my prayer of thanks to the goddess
that visits me sometimes to let me know
I deserve to stand up.

About Laura Theis

Laura Theis is the winner of the 2018 Hammond House International Literary Award for Poetry and the 2017 AM Heath Prize. Having grown up in Germany and writing in her second language, she has gained a Distinction in the Mst Creative Writing at Oxford University and her work has been published and/or broadcast in the UK, Ireland, Belgium, Germany, and the U.S. Her poetry appears in many different places such as Strange Horizons, The London Reader, and Rise Up Review, as well as in anthologies from Three Drops Press, Hammond House and the Live Canon International Poetry Award Anthology 2018 and 2019. She invites you to visit her website for more information about her and her writing: http://lauratheis.weebly.com/