Conclusions From Krakens Cutting the Cheese

By Amanda Bender


There are a fair number of folks in this world who deny Kraken flatuate. But in fact, Kraken can and quite often do toot and, between me and you, it is one of the purest and most fragrant things on this earth to behold. In fact, in some cultures, it has become a christening of sorts because… well, what better way to solidify one’s existence than being blessed by sea titans steeped in such rich myth?

Yes, they may have moldy suction-cupped tentacles, and massive heads shaped like hot air balloons, and razors for teeth that make spears look like toothpicks. But deep down—in their bowls— krakensare are just like me and like you. For they too have a sphincter that they must let loose every so often to allow all those fermenting gases to pass through, and it’s not like they asked for sailors to soil themselves at the sight of them or spin tall tales of their “cruelty.” I mean, like it or not a Kraken has to eat.

Granted there was that one Kraken who nearly destroyed that ancient Greek city-state, but that was just one time, and everything turned out fine—for the most part.

So sure Kraken can swallow ships whole, but it’s only because they need to ensure they’re getting their daily doses of fiber to help them move things along. Unlike the leafy green gunk you and I can fill our guts with to keep our digestive tracks in good health, ships are far better for Kraken because the sodium content in algae is abominable. Which is why,in a recent study,when scientists took a look at the microbes milling about in a Kraken’s gut, they discovered that when undigested bits of splinters and sails, or flesh and bone, or silver and gold moved through a Kraken’s large intestine, the bacteria feeding off these man-made riches did not secrete hydrogen sulfide, but instead emitted the citrusy essence of grapefruit.

Of course, more intestines will need to be inspected to dispel the disbelief of outspoken and stubborn naysayers. But while the results may still be inconclusive, the evidence certainly suggests that you, me—we—have some serious rethinking to do.

About Amanda Bender

Amanda is a writer and blogger who’s worked for several publishing outlets, including Stillhouse Press, So to Speak Literary Journal, Shreve Williams Public Relations, and St. Martin’s Press. She received her MFA in Fiction at George Mason University. Currently, she’s working as a marketing and editorial assistant at an up-and-coming digital fabrication company in New York. She is a contributor to LitReactor, and has also appeared in Rune Bear Magazine.

If you (or others) would like to learn more about what Amanda is writing or reading feel free to visit her blog You can follow her on social media at the following:

Twitter: @A_B_Lee

Instagram: @a.l.b.33

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